November 22, 2008, 11:50pm
First off I want to make it clear that I am a huge vampire fan. Secondly, I have not read the books, so I walked into this movie with an open mind...
I was so disappointed. Twilight was utterly boring. Probably the most uninspired tale of teen angst I have ever seen. A story that appeared to have tried reinventing vampires, that failed miserably with its crushing OC type drama, and complete lack of suspense or intrigue.
The Vampires. Or should I say 'sexy, mainstream, plastic teenage eunuchs'. They did not have fangs. They are vampires without fangs! Way to neuter your monsters Mr. Author Whose Name I Don't Care To Know. Its like a Jedi without a light saber. In the beginning of the film, I was so excited when Edward covered his mouth upon seeing Belle. I thought "Ooh, his fangs are showing? Vampire blood lust reflex maybe?" - Nope.
There was nothing. Just a mouthful of human teeth. Boring. The make-up was unimpressive period, but I'm sure 90% of the teenybopper movie goes will be clamoring to buy up some cool contacts to give them "Edward Eyes". No fangs, no claws, nothing out of the ordinary, or nothing ordinary for vampires, safe for the piercing contacts. I didn't mind that the vampires walked around in daylight, heck, that was kind of interesting, until I saw them glitter. Glitter? I thought he was a vampire?!?! Not a wood sprite! This isn't a movie about vampires, its a movie about homoerotic, fang less wood sprites.
Costumes? Utterly boring. That's all I have to say. I think the budget was blown on that one piece of faux fur and hair extensions. Yep, the fang budget was chewed up by hair extensions.
Special Effects? Har har har. It is to laugh. Almost as funny as vampires playing baseball in the rain as a family.
The villain? Besides looking like a barefoot Abercrombie & Fitch poster boy, there was nothing special about him. I don't recall him even having the 'vampire eyes'. Not one memorable line. For a vampire that was supposed to be powerful, he was quickly dispatched, and dismembered off camera, making the most thrilling, sadistic sequence in the movie highly forgettable.
The fight sequences? Boring. I'm surprised there was even time for 1 with all the stomach turning mush going on. Wow. Can you even picture it? Two fang less vampires hissing at one another. Remember that scene from the Lost Boys where Michael and David battle? Picture that without the fangs, and without the great score, and without any other redeeming quality. Am I getting my point across?
I read somewhere that fans of the book were outraged when they heard who would be playing Edward. I read that blogs were crammed with stuff like "he's ugly, poor casting, he's gross", actually, he's not so bad, he grew on me, its too bad he wanted the role. I feel sorry for him that he starred in a movie that can only be described as about as exciting as a dated tv halloween episode. Remember the vampire episode of Smallville. Remember how your eyes rolled when you saw that they were bringing vampires into the Smallville mythos, and making Lana into one for its 45 of predictably painful performances. Remember how dumb it was? Remember how even the laughable sawdust headed sorority sisters actually had fangs? Ugh...
Twilight gets a generous 2.5 out of 10. 3 because of 2 pretty boys, and .5 for a sorry attempt at doing something different to the vampire genre, but since it failed, I can't give it a whole point... Not even worth the rental.
Last edited by Sky Breaker; November 23, 2008 at 12:07am.