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Thread: Meet the Rea-Por! (Or: Heroic & Villainous MOTU Deaths)

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  1. #1
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Meet the Rea-Por! (Or: Heroic & Villainous MOTU Deaths)

    Hi kids,

    If you don't like your humour dark, then please go away :-)


    ***************
    Buzz-Off's 'Pride'


    Buzz-Off, puffed up on pride as usual, is full of himself after the Queen of the Bee-Peeps chooses him as her illustrious mate. "Yay me!" howls Buzz, flying low over the heads of the other Masters, making them duck and flinch with annoyance.

    But, tragically, this is the last time anyone sees the narcissistic Buzz-Off alive...

    Unfortunately for Lord Buzz, the Queen doesn't allow any peasant or soldier Bee-Men to know the Secret of their reproduction. Indeed, the instruction manual is one of the closely guarded Mysteries of Castle Greyskull....

    Only Prince Adam, piddling around in the windraider & half-drunk on Ram-Man's potent special brew, has the misfortunate to see the eye-popping mating ritual of the Queen of Bee-Men & her chosen consort, Buzz-Off, as they fly in mid-air, legs akimbo, grinding with wild & ecstatic abandon.

    Adam pulls out his techno-goggles to get a close-up of the action. His jaw drops at the splendid sight of the majestic & stark naked Queen flying atop & entwined the love-enraged Buzz. He cannot believe such mid-air moves are possible...

    "Wow..." the naive Prince breathes "You couldn't tell from Buzz's furry underwear that he's so -"

    But then! at the climax of this perfectly natural spectacle....!

    ....the tool of Buzz-Off's lurve is torn away, completely stuck, ripping out a bunch of his gory entrails with it.

    Buzz-Off, suddenly & violently wrenched asunder, drops pathetically from the sky like a used (albeit brightly coloured) tissue.

    S P L A T

    Shuddering at the sight of Buzz-Off's shattered corpse, Prince Adam begins to wonder whether his long infatuation with Etherian honey, Sweet Bee, might lose him the royal jewels....



    *****************************

    Disclaimer

    Male bees really do die that way.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:14pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  2. #2
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    9th Night

    After a late night on the tiles, having howled & sprayed all night in the direction of some comely & available Eternian Princesses, King Carnivus stops in the middle of the road, suddenly choking on a large, wine soaked fur-ball.

    He'd done a little too much grooming to look good for his night out, & mixed with rich food & strong wine, he's having trouble getting rid of this slick, turgid mess in his throat - so his drinking buddy Fisto gives him a helpful smack on the back.

    Unfortunately, Fisto is a bit of a drunkard & forgets he's wearing his giant gauntlet. King Carnivus goes crashing onto the middle of the road. Just as he manages to stagger to his feet, he's hit by Ram-Man as he drunkenly swerves the Attack-Track down the road, oblivious to everything...

    B L A M !

    ...Somehow, kitty-man Carnivus survives, but because he's a pathetic, mangled mess with a huge medical bill, Man-At-Arms gently puts him to sleep with multiple merciful blows from his most enormous sledge-hammer. Then they turn King Carnivus' handsome coat into a pair of slippers for his guilt-ridden pal Fisto, who blubs like a girl as Carnivus is finally laid to rest in a cardboard shoe-box.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:16pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  3. #3
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    Bride of Modulok

    After years of his evil, eeevil, eeeeeevil plans being defeated by He-Man, She-Ra, his ex-mother-in-law and an intensive tax-audit, the evil genius Modulok decides to amuse himself in the privacy of his own lair instead.

    "Moddy" (as his buddies call him) spends many a long hour developing new "party parts" that give him endless hours of fun, all by himself & without defeat or shame.

    Though these very personal activities couldn't exactly be called evil, they would make any good Eternian go crimson, shuddering with a weird sense of disgust and fascination (except Queen Marlena, who being from Earth, gets-off on making King Randor blush).

    Though he is an evil scientific genius, Moddy cannot seem to make a single beautiful limb, never-mind a pretty face to ogle and kiss. Tired of looking at his own ugly heads, he decides "Who needs brains for this kind of fun anyways?" and throws them both aside, allowing him release from all inhibition.

    But after Modulock's suped-up, orgiastically toned nervous systems finally tires - glands of adrenalin, saliva, and other lubricious substances spent & shrivelled, poor Moddy cannot find either of his heads. Without eyes he cannot see them winking.. grimacing! Without ears he cannot hear them calling... screaming! Without a nose he cannot smell their salty tears... their decaying flesh! In a panic, the remainder of his nervous system somehow realises he has lost his two brains!

    A few days later, after pitifully bumping around and failing to find either head, Modulock is totally dead of thirst - a shrivelled carcass of weird limbs, nameless openings and flapping, unmentionable organs.

    After a while, his villainous BFF wonders what has happened to him & pays him a visit. A bemused Hordak finally realises what has happened to his eccentric & lonesome partner, after he sits down on Moddy's couch and finds one of the missing heads down the back, face still frozen in a silent-scream, deep under a tie-dye cushion.

    Though it is a sorry end for such an evil genius, Hordak has a good laugh about it anyway (in fact, he laughs until he can't catch his breath), and takes Moddy's ravaged (& uncomfortably ravishing) body away to hang on his wall as a trophy to show off to his ghoulish pals.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:23pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  4. #4
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    Neither Fish Nor Foul

    Ever since Skeletor caved to Evil-Lyn's demands for a honeymoon ("Skelly, only your face is dead, quit with the excuses!"), the Evil Warriors have all been fighting each other for supremacy while their leaders were enjoying themselves, watching suns set into black-holes while basking on beaches of bone.

    Beastman & Mer-Man have always had a natural hatred of each other. Even since Stratos literally changed his colours & switched to the Heroic Warriors, Mer-Man had been jealous of Beastman's control of all the land animals and all of the flying animals. It just wasn't fair.

    Not content with just controlling the animals of the water, Mer-Man began to slyly gain control over those awkward creatures - the amphibians. Were they beasts of land or water? Mer-Man and Beastman could never agree, so they decided they just had to kill each other, like real bad-guys.

    And so a terrible war over the amphibians was on, until Webstor realised that he could use the zoological chaos to his advantage. While Mermie & Beastie were distracted kicking the hell out of each other, Webstor concentrated on controlling all of the little insects - both of land, air and water!

    But it was not to be - Mer-Man and Beastman both had really mean tempers & when they discovered that Webstor has been taking advantage of their turf-war, they ganged up on him and pulled all of his legs off, one by one, and called him a "raisin".

    Then they hung his still living, yet limbless body from a tree, using his very own grappling hook, & beat him to smithereens like he was some sort of freakish novelty piņata.

    There was no escape for Webstor this time, who finally popped open with a sickening C R U N C H.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; July 6, 2011 at 02:15pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  5. #5
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    Blam-Man

    Ram-Man was one of the most liked of Heroic Warriors. In many ways he was unique, ignoring the ever-popular Eternian fashion of furry underwear & boots. Plus, he was generous with ale, kind to furry animals and soft-spoken. And he was too stupid to know when you were making fun of him.

    Despite his pleasant character, his brain had taken more batterings than was humanly imaginable. The constant cranial trauma had eaten away at Ram-Man's intellect and memory, 'til he was little more than an idiotic human battering ram, good enough only for killing & slapstick scenarios.

    One day, Ram-Man forgot to put on his indestructable Eternium helmet - as he hurriedly left to help a perimeter patrol fight some vicious highwaymen.

    As he reached the road, he noted the robbers' barricade placed cleverly on a bend, preventing traffic. Faintly, he recalled a time long ago when he had forced people to pay a toll to use his own road, in a similar fashion to this. But then again, maybe that had never happened. Ram-Man could never be sure, as he was often lost in day-dream and hallucination.

    Regardless, he was confident of his strength as he measured up the illegal barrier. "Huh! 'Dis will be easy!" he grunts, and - without so much as a thought -launches himself forward, propelled by powerful, spring-like robotic leg-prosthetics.

    Normally, Ram-Man would have blown aside petty criminals like this, crushing the blockade and bodies alike, no matter how many tree-logs they used (& usually even regardless that they were just poor Eternian loggers or road-builders, rather than desperate highwaymen).

    But today, his helmet forgotten, Ram-Man's head burst, completely unprotected, like a flimsy, blood-filled balloon against the unyielding barricade.

    B L A T !
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:26pm. Reason: more exclamation marks
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  6. #6
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    Bird-Strike!

    For millennia, the mighty Zodac has cast his inscrutable gaze across the divided world of Eternia, tasked to forever hold in check the battling powers of Good & Evil as the Cosmic Enforcer. He is the only surviving Ancient from a time before record, when men lived not as kings, but as gods...

    But the Ancients were wise, and they recognised their own hubris and in so doing, they chose to give up their power to safeguard all lesser beings. Thus, they divested their great power - whether written or constructed - within the depths of a mystic fortress they built to be impenetrable and terrifying - Castle Greyskull! At the centre of the Universe, all of their great Secrets were guarded within its walls!

    It would have been easier to have joined them, to vanish into oblivion & eternal rest, but Zodac was the bravest of the Ancients & kept the technology & magic he would need to watch over and guard the planet Eternia upon which Greyskull had been erected.

    Zodac's most potent device was his Cosmic Throne. Shaped like a great chair, this inter-stellar craft could speed the Ancient Zodac from star to star, planet to planet, allowing him to meddle in the affairs of the childish humanoid races, who squabbled endlessly over material resources, spiritual doctrines, power & prestige. Sometimes, their wars would be so terrible and sick or their peacetime so boring and conformist, that Zodac intervened - for too much Good or Evil would affect the balance of power upon which the very foundations of Greyskull were built - and it would also bore his desensitised and bizarrely self-righteous brain to sleep.

    On this fateful day, Zodac hovered high above the Eternian plains, gaining a vast overview of this variegated & tumultuous world, where even the most insignificant event could result in cosmic consequences....

    ****
    "Stratos here!" The Lord of Avion answered the call that came through the speaker built into his helmet.

    "Stratos! Come quickly!" Immediately the feathered Lord recognised the quivering voice of the foppish Prince Adam. "Something really weird is going on between Buzz-Off & the Queen of the Bee-Men!"

    "Where are you Prince? Is there any danger!?" Stratos' great black eyes narrowed. Though he could find Buzz-Off arrogant, he had a comradely respect for him too, & resolved to help.

    "Not sure if it's dangerous.... It reminds me of some stuff I saw in an Earth magazine I found under Mom's bed... I'm in the wind-raider, hovering over the hills just West of the Mystic Mountains..."

    His thick fur rippling in the wind, Stratos suddenly veered off in a new direction, his jet-pack screaming with the effort, his powerfully built body withstanding the G-force that flattened his nose & made his thick, simian lips flap. "On my way!" he roared into the speakers located each side of his chin.

    "You'd better hurry! I"m a bit drunk... kinda scared... but I can't stop looking!"

    Stratos grimaced pessimistically - hopefully this was not some assassination attempt, or the beginning of some terrible civil war, or one of Skeletor's evil plans!

    Flying at top speed through the bright purple sky, Stratos had no sign that his trajectory was to result in tragic & explosive consequences. Lacking any kind of air-traffic control, some sort of collision was going to be inevitable in the skies of Eternia one day...

    ***
    Zodac noted that all was well on Eternia today. Though there was always a certain amount of struggle & difficulty, it was nothing that would tip the Cosmic Balance between Good and Evil.

    He let out the slightest of sighs. He had watched over the petty conflicts of mortals for so long... Sometimes, life could be a little lonely and drab. Today he had put on his pink breast-plate hoping to liven things up a bit, but of course, no mortal would see him cruising the cosmic waves. Such was his mighty fate.

    Thankfully, the Cosmic Throne was equipped with almost everything he needed. He could plug it into his helmet to listen to beautiful music, or have a screen pop up to display the latest visual arts or dramas of the collected civilisations under his scrutiny. Indeed, he did not need to leave the technological wonder upon which he was seated for anything, even to go to void his bladder and bowels.

    His keen, super-human senses recognised that such a time was upon him. Modestly shifting down his fashionable furry-shorts, he solemly prepared for a bowel movement & turned to the screen that popped out of his arm-rest, so as to read one of his favourite e-magazines.

    ***
    Stratos gnashed his teeth as he listened to the distressed noises of the bewildered Prince Adam transmitting into his helmet. Going as fast as he could, Stratos barely noticed the flight of the great, technological Chair from an Eon passed, carrying the solid, pink figure of Cosmic Enforcer Zodac...

    ***
    Possessing advanced control over his body, it was easy for Zodac to be done with these kinds of necessities. Easier still for him to stay hygenic and composed as his hi-tech Seat took care of the necessary ablutions.

    The only thing Zodac needed to do for himself was get rid of the waste material by pressing a neat little button - this would open a hatch below & blast the excreted matter away at high speed to ensure no-one would be inconvenienced.

    (However, it is a tragic over-sight that one of the few flaws built into this amazing machine is the need for the user to raise himself slightly, to ensure that the there was no harm done from the sucking action of the seat as it jettisoned the unnecessary biomatter...)

    ***
    Too late!

    Stratos sees Zodac speeding towards him in the final moments. Zodac looks distracted and his furry shorts are around his knees. Stratos pulls up as hard and fast as he possibly can...!

    But, alas, it's not good enough. Though the heroic Stratos does his best to avoid colliding with Zodac, his foot clips the Cosmic Enforcer on the top of his helmet, knocking him back down onto his seat, just as he was flushing his doo-doo away...

    Zodac lands heavily upon his space-potty, just as a powerful vacuum sucks the crap out of the cess-pit below him. The force is so Ancient and Powerful, that it results in a deadly suction that draws most of Zodac's intestines down & out of his body, in a violent, messy prolapse, scattering a blossoming cloud of filth and blood out of the Cosmic Throne behind him.

    P A R P!

    Stratos looks back in disbelief, his clumsy, fatal foot throbbing, and sees the Cosmic Throne spinning towards the Eternian plains, upon which the once mighty Zodac sits slumped forward, horribly dead, before the whole thing explods upon a hill like a nuclear blast.

    K A - B L A M!

    Thus passed the only being in the Universe who could balance Good & Evil while staying regular at the same time. Had Stratos realised what terrible fate he'd brought upon Eternia & all living creatures, he'd have wept like a sissy & nose-dived straight to the ground. Too bad for him that he didn't - instead his fate would be even more disgustingly stupid...

    ***
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:33pm. Reason: superfluous sound effects
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

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