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Thread: Meet the Rea-Por! (Or: Heroic & Villainous MOTU Deaths)

  1. #1
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Meet the Rea-Por! (Or: Heroic & Villainous MOTU Deaths)

    Hi kids,

    If you don't like your humour dark, then please go away :-)


    ***************
    Buzz-Off's 'Pride'


    Buzz-Off, puffed up on pride as usual, is full of himself after the Queen of the Bee-Peeps chooses him as her illustrious mate. "Yay me!" howls Buzz, flying low over the heads of the other Masters, making them duck and flinch with annoyance.

    But, tragically, this is the last time anyone sees the narcissistic Buzz-Off alive...

    Unfortunately for Lord Buzz, the Queen doesn't allow any peasant or soldier Bee-Men to know the Secret of their reproduction. Indeed, the instruction manual is one of the closely guarded Mysteries of Castle Greyskull....

    Only Prince Adam, piddling around in the windraider & half-drunk on Ram-Man's potent special brew, has the misfortunate to see the eye-popping mating ritual of the Queen of Bee-Men & her chosen consort, Buzz-Off, as they fly in mid-air, legs akimbo, grinding with wild & ecstatic abandon.

    Adam pulls out his techno-goggles to get a close-up of the action. His jaw drops at the splendid sight of the majestic & stark naked Queen flying atop & entwined the love-enraged Buzz. He cannot believe such mid-air moves are possible...

    "Wow..." the naive Prince breathes "You couldn't tell from Buzz's furry underwear that he's so -"

    But then! at the climax of this perfectly natural spectacle....!

    ....the tool of Buzz-Off's lurve is torn away, completely stuck, ripping out a bunch of his gory entrails with it.

    Buzz-Off, suddenly & violently wrenched asunder, drops pathetically from the sky like a used (albeit brightly coloured) tissue.

    S P L A T

    Shuddering at the sight of Buzz-Off's shattered corpse, Prince Adam begins to wonder whether his long infatuation with Etherian honey, Sweet Bee, might lose him the royal jewels....



    *****************************

    Disclaimer

    Male bees really do die that way.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:14pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  2. #2
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    9th Night

    After a late night on the tiles, having howled & sprayed all night in the direction of some comely & available Eternian Princesses, King Carnivus stops in the middle of the road, suddenly choking on a large, wine soaked fur-ball.

    He'd done a little too much grooming to look good for his night out, & mixed with rich food & strong wine, he's having trouble getting rid of this slick, turgid mess in his throat - so his drinking buddy Fisto gives him a helpful smack on the back.

    Unfortunately, Fisto is a bit of a drunkard & forgets he's wearing his giant gauntlet. King Carnivus goes crashing onto the middle of the road. Just as he manages to stagger to his feet, he's hit by Ram-Man as he drunkenly swerves the Attack-Track down the road, oblivious to everything...

    B L A M !

    ...Somehow, kitty-man Carnivus survives, but because he's a pathetic, mangled mess with a huge medical bill, Man-At-Arms gently puts him to sleep with multiple merciful blows from his most enormous sledge-hammer. Then they turn King Carnivus' handsome coat into a pair of slippers for his guilt-ridden pal Fisto, who blubs like a girl as Carnivus is finally laid to rest in a cardboard shoe-box.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:16pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  3. #3
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    Bride of Modulok

    After years of his evil, eeevil, eeeeeevil plans being defeated by He-Man, She-Ra, his ex-mother-in-law and an intensive tax-audit, the evil genius Modulok decides to amuse himself in the privacy of his own lair instead.

    "Moddy" (as his buddies call him) spends many a long hour developing new "party parts" that give him endless hours of fun, all by himself & without defeat or shame.

    Though these very personal activities couldn't exactly be called evil, they would make any good Eternian go crimson, shuddering with a weird sense of disgust and fascination (except Queen Marlena, who being from Earth, gets-off on making King Randor blush).

    Though he is an evil scientific genius, Moddy cannot seem to make a single beautiful limb, never-mind a pretty face to ogle and kiss. Tired of looking at his own ugly heads, he decides "Who needs brains for this kind of fun anyways?" and throws them both aside, allowing him release from all inhibition.

    But after Modulock's suped-up, orgiastically toned nervous systems finally tires - glands of adrenalin, saliva, and other lubricious substances spent & shrivelled, poor Moddy cannot find either of his heads. Without eyes he cannot see them winking.. grimacing! Without ears he cannot hear them calling... screaming! Without a nose he cannot smell their salty tears... their decaying flesh! In a panic, the remainder of his nervous system somehow realises he has lost his two brains!

    A few days later, after pitifully bumping around and failing to find either head, Modulock is totally dead of thirst - a shrivelled carcass of weird limbs, nameless openings and flapping, unmentionable organs.

    After a while, his villainous BFF wonders what has happened to him & pays him a visit. A bemused Hordak finally realises what has happened to his eccentric & lonesome partner, after he sits down on Moddy's couch and finds one of the missing heads down the back, face still frozen in a silent-scream, deep under a tie-dye cushion.

    Though it is a sorry end for such an evil genius, Hordak has a good laugh about it anyway (in fact, he laughs until he can't catch his breath), and takes Moddy's ravaged (& uncomfortably ravishing) body away to hang on his wall as a trophy to show off to his ghoulish pals.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:23pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  4. #4
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    Neither Fish Nor Foul

    Ever since Skeletor caved to Evil-Lyn's demands for a honeymoon ("Skelly, only your face is dead, quit with the excuses!"), the Evil Warriors have all been fighting each other for supremacy while their leaders were enjoying themselves, watching suns set into black-holes while basking on beaches of bone.

    Beastman & Mer-Man have always had a natural hatred of each other. Even since Stratos literally changed his colours & switched to the Heroic Warriors, Mer-Man had been jealous of Beastman's control of all the land animals and all of the flying animals. It just wasn't fair.

    Not content with just controlling the animals of the water, Mer-Man began to slyly gain control over those awkward creatures - the amphibians. Were they beasts of land or water? Mer-Man and Beastman could never agree, so they decided they just had to kill each other, like real bad-guys.

    And so a terrible war over the amphibians was on, until Webstor realised that he could use the zoological chaos to his advantage. While Mermie & Beastie were distracted kicking the hell out of each other, Webstor concentrated on controlling all of the little insects - both of land, air and water!

    But it was not to be - Mer-Man and Beastman both had really mean tempers & when they discovered that Webstor has been taking advantage of their turf-war, they ganged up on him and pulled all of his legs off, one by one, and called him a "raisin".

    Then they hung his still living, yet limbless body from a tree, using his very own grappling hook, & beat him to smithereens like he was some sort of freakish novelty piñata.

    There was no escape for Webstor this time, who finally popped open with a sickening C R U N C H.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; July 6, 2011 at 02:15pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  5. #5
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    Blam-Man

    Ram-Man was one of the most liked of Heroic Warriors. In many ways he was unique, ignoring the ever-popular Eternian fashion of furry underwear & boots. Plus, he was generous with ale, kind to furry animals and soft-spoken. And he was too stupid to know when you were making fun of him.

    Despite his pleasant character, his brain had taken more batterings than was humanly imaginable. The constant cranial trauma had eaten away at Ram-Man's intellect and memory, 'til he was little more than an idiotic human battering ram, good enough only for killing & slapstick scenarios.

    One day, Ram-Man forgot to put on his indestructable Eternium helmet - as he hurriedly left to help a perimeter patrol fight some vicious highwaymen.

    As he reached the road, he noted the robbers' barricade placed cleverly on a bend, preventing traffic. Faintly, he recalled a time long ago when he had forced people to pay a toll to use his own road, in a similar fashion to this. But then again, maybe that had never happened. Ram-Man could never be sure, as he was often lost in day-dream and hallucination.

    Regardless, he was confident of his strength as he measured up the illegal barrier. "Huh! 'Dis will be easy!" he grunts, and - without so much as a thought -launches himself forward, propelled by powerful, spring-like robotic leg-prosthetics.

    Normally, Ram-Man would have blown aside petty criminals like this, crushing the blockade and bodies alike, no matter how many tree-logs they used (& usually even regardless that they were just poor Eternian loggers or road-builders, rather than desperate highwaymen).

    But today, his helmet forgotten, Ram-Man's head burst, completely unprotected, like a flimsy, blood-filled balloon against the unyielding barricade.

    B L A T !
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:26pm. Reason: more exclamation marks
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  6. #6
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    Bird-Strike!

    For millennia, the mighty Zodac has cast his inscrutable gaze across the divided world of Eternia, tasked to forever hold in check the battling powers of Good & Evil as the Cosmic Enforcer. He is the only surviving Ancient from a time before record, when men lived not as kings, but as gods...

    But the Ancients were wise, and they recognised their own hubris and in so doing, they chose to give up their power to safeguard all lesser beings. Thus, they divested their great power - whether written or constructed - within the depths of a mystic fortress they built to be impenetrable and terrifying - Castle Greyskull! At the centre of the Universe, all of their great Secrets were guarded within its walls!

    It would have been easier to have joined them, to vanish into oblivion & eternal rest, but Zodac was the bravest of the Ancients & kept the technology & magic he would need to watch over and guard the planet Eternia upon which Greyskull had been erected.

    Zodac's most potent device was his Cosmic Throne. Shaped like a great chair, this inter-stellar craft could speed the Ancient Zodac from star to star, planet to planet, allowing him to meddle in the affairs of the childish humanoid races, who squabbled endlessly over material resources, spiritual doctrines, power & prestige. Sometimes, their wars would be so terrible and sick or their peacetime so boring and conformist, that Zodac intervened - for too much Good or Evil would affect the balance of power upon which the very foundations of Greyskull were built - and it would also bore his desensitised and bizarrely self-righteous brain to sleep.

    On this fateful day, Zodac hovered high above the Eternian plains, gaining a vast overview of this variegated & tumultuous world, where even the most insignificant event could result in cosmic consequences....

    ****
    "Stratos here!" The Lord of Avion answered the call that came through the speaker built into his helmet.

    "Stratos! Come quickly!" Immediately the feathered Lord recognised the quivering voice of the foppish Prince Adam. "Something really weird is going on between Buzz-Off & the Queen of the Bee-Men!"

    "Where are you Prince? Is there any danger!?" Stratos' great black eyes narrowed. Though he could find Buzz-Off arrogant, he had a comradely respect for him too, & resolved to help.

    "Not sure if it's dangerous.... It reminds me of some stuff I saw in an Earth magazine I found under Mom's bed... I'm in the wind-raider, hovering over the hills just West of the Mystic Mountains..."

    His thick fur rippling in the wind, Stratos suddenly veered off in a new direction, his jet-pack screaming with the effort, his powerfully built body withstanding the G-force that flattened his nose & made his thick, simian lips flap. "On my way!" he roared into the speakers located each side of his chin.

    "You'd better hurry! I"m a bit drunk... kinda scared... but I can't stop looking!"

    Stratos grimaced pessimistically - hopefully this was not some assassination attempt, or the beginning of some terrible civil war, or one of Skeletor's evil plans!

    Flying at top speed through the bright purple sky, Stratos had no sign that his trajectory was to result in tragic & explosive consequences. Lacking any kind of air-traffic control, some sort of collision was going to be inevitable in the skies of Eternia one day...

    ***
    Zodac noted that all was well on Eternia today. Though there was always a certain amount of struggle & difficulty, it was nothing that would tip the Cosmic Balance between Good and Evil.

    He let out the slightest of sighs. He had watched over the petty conflicts of mortals for so long... Sometimes, life could be a little lonely and drab. Today he had put on his pink breast-plate hoping to liven things up a bit, but of course, no mortal would see him cruising the cosmic waves. Such was his mighty fate.

    Thankfully, the Cosmic Throne was equipped with almost everything he needed. He could plug it into his helmet to listen to beautiful music, or have a screen pop up to display the latest visual arts or dramas of the collected civilisations under his scrutiny. Indeed, he did not need to leave the technological wonder upon which he was seated for anything, even to go to void his bladder and bowels.

    His keen, super-human senses recognised that such a time was upon him. Modestly shifting down his fashionable furry-shorts, he solemly prepared for a bowel movement & turned to the screen that popped out of his arm-rest, so as to read one of his favourite e-magazines.

    ***
    Stratos gnashed his teeth as he listened to the distressed noises of the bewildered Prince Adam transmitting into his helmet. Going as fast as he could, Stratos barely noticed the flight of the great, technological Chair from an Eon passed, carrying the solid, pink figure of Cosmic Enforcer Zodac...

    ***
    Possessing advanced control over his body, it was easy for Zodac to be done with these kinds of necessities. Easier still for him to stay hygenic and composed as his hi-tech Seat took care of the necessary ablutions.

    The only thing Zodac needed to do for himself was get rid of the waste material by pressing a neat little button - this would open a hatch below & blast the excreted matter away at high speed to ensure no-one would be inconvenienced.

    (However, it is a tragic over-sight that one of the few flaws built into this amazing machine is the need for the user to raise himself slightly, to ensure that the there was no harm done from the sucking action of the seat as it jettisoned the unnecessary biomatter...)

    ***
    Too late!

    Stratos sees Zodac speeding towards him in the final moments. Zodac looks distracted and his furry shorts are around his knees. Stratos pulls up as hard and fast as he possibly can...!

    But, alas, it's not good enough. Though the heroic Stratos does his best to avoid colliding with Zodac, his foot clips the Cosmic Enforcer on the top of his helmet, knocking him back down onto his seat, just as he was flushing his doo-doo away...

    Zodac lands heavily upon his space-potty, just as a powerful vacuum sucks the crap out of the cess-pit below him. The force is so Ancient and Powerful, that it results in a deadly suction that draws most of Zodac's intestines down & out of his body, in a violent, messy prolapse, scattering a blossoming cloud of filth and blood out of the Cosmic Throne behind him.

    P A R P!

    Stratos looks back in disbelief, his clumsy, fatal foot throbbing, and sees the Cosmic Throne spinning towards the Eternian plains, upon which the once mighty Zodac sits slumped forward, horribly dead, before the whole thing explods upon a hill like a nuclear blast.

    K A - B L A M!

    Thus passed the only being in the Universe who could balance Good & Evil while staying regular at the same time. Had Stratos realised what terrible fate he'd brought upon Eternia & all living creatures, he'd have wept like a sissy & nose-dived straight to the ground. Too bad for him that he didn't - instead his fate would be even more disgustingly stupid...

    ***
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:33pm. Reason: superfluous sound effects
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  7. #7
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Ok, someone else is reading this junk

    I do requests! Who D I E S next!!???
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    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  8. #8
    Born A Monster wolfsfang's Avatar
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    these are really funny.

    I think you should do Bow and Kowl next. They are always together in the toon so I think it is suiting that they go together

    Bwahahahahaha
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  9. #9
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wolfsfang View Post
    these are really funny.

    I think you should do Bow and Kowl next. They are always together in the toon so I think it is suiting that they go together

    Bwahahahahaha
    HAH! Thank you dear reader.

    I'm not as familiar with PoP, but I probably know enough to kill these two suckers off in a fittingly gruesome manner.

    Sick thrills ahoy!
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  10. #10
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    All a-quiver!

    RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

    The sound of tearing fabric echoed through the Whispering Woods. "Gods & demons damn it all!" hissed Bow. It was yet another irritating thing that had turned a bad day into an awful one.

    Crouching behind bright green bushes of the kind found throughout the magical Whispering Woods, Bow carefully felt for the tear that had come from his pants... There! - a gaping hole right in the middle of his crotch - he should never have bent down with such tight clothes on! But ever since he'd beefed himself up & gained a lot of muscle mass, his foppish clothes had been too small for him & he'd had no time to make the adjustments - besides, that was women's work! Kowl had joked that he now looked like a sausage is too tight a skin. It hadn't helped that Adora didn't seem to appreciate his new muscles. Bow had always figured she'd preferred the muscular Eternian look - but his new figure did not turn her head and only the creepy Prince Adam had wanted to feel his new biceps...

    Again poor, frustrated Bow wondered if something was going on between Adora & She-Ra. They took pains never to be seen together & yet they always seemed to be close to one another. There was definately something suspect about that!

    Bow shook his head, trying to clear his head of his suspicions regarding Adora & She-Ra, suspicions that made his magical heart beat wild and fast, his torn pants growing even tighter...

    To calm himself, he thought over his crappy day. In another effort to appear more attractive to Princess Adora, he'd decided to carefully shave off his handsome moustache & put on a delicate crown he'd stolen from a Horde Lord. As he had shaved, he gazed at himself in a still, clear pool, figuring he'd look rather youthful and dashing when he was done!

    But while he was grooming himself, Kowl had flown by and let go a spray of droppings that went splashing into Bow's pool, just as he was shaving his upper lip perfectly clean. The surprise had made Bow cut himself and the effect was ruined by a long, bleeding cut!

    Bow had yelled the most obscene insults he could think of at the ungainly, flapping bird-thing, his rage boiling over. For many years Kowl and Bow had struggled for a sort of supremacy, one trying to dominate the other in a battle of wits.

    And Kowl had been winning.

    Bow's self-esteem had gradually crumbled to nothing. Despite being handsome, brave, strong and talented, Bow had not managed to attracted the interest of a single Rebel woman. They were all so gorgeous and svelte, he felt that at least one of them would be interested in a romantic tryst. If Adora didn't want him, he could easily settle for one of the others, even the half-fish Mermista (the thought of which kept Bow puzzled but yearning, long into the Etherian nights)!

    Bow growled as he recalled the latest insult Kowl had unceremoniously delivered. This was why he had gone out alone into the forest, to let off some steam with a little hunting, and now his pants were torn! So this was also Kowl's fault! "Cursed bird-freak!" Bow growled to himself.

    Suddenly, a movement high in the trees caught Bow's attention - it looked like some sort of large bird, but behind all of the foliage, it was hard to see. Carefully, Bow reached for an arrow - one designed to kill. He'd have this trophy, and then he'd feel like a real man again until the next time he needed to kill something!

    Bow licked his unkissed lips, tasting the dried blood that still clung to them. Though he couldn't quite make out the bird, it was an baulky looking thing... it would be sure to have lots of meat and he'd happily share it with Adora, hell, with any woman or half-beast-woman!

    The branches of the tree moved and the bird twittered - had it caught his scent? No - the creature remained where it was, pecking away at something.

    Bow held the string of his bow taut - the flight of the arrow in place and ready to be released. This creature was as good as dead - Bow never missed.

    The arrow flew, straight & true! Fsssssssssst! S Q U A R K!

    The creature fell from the tree with a heavy thud. Bow jumped from his hiding place, his torn crotch letting in the cool air of the shadowy forest and found the creature he had slain.

    It lay beside one of the eucalyptus trees. Suddenly Bow saw two great big rainbow coloured ears & realised what he had done. "Kowl! Noooo!"

    Bending over his old friend, Bow could see that he was twitching - perhaps he was still alive! Perhaps there was time to save Kowl from this tragic accident! He rolled his fat, cynical & cowardly friend over. "Kowl! Old comrade! I didn't know...! Please, forgive me...!"

    Kowl rolled his great sad eyes, blurred with pain & impending annihilation. "B-Bow.." he gasped, "H-how could you-hoo-hoo!"

    Tears streamed down Bow's face. The guilt was too much to bear. He held Kowl's little hand as his life bled away in a widening pool across the forest floor. "Come closer, dear friend, I must tell you something... something you must know, about Princess Adora...!" Kowl croaked.

    Bow eagerly knelt down to hear the fading voice of the dying Kowl. "Closer Bow, closer!" the strange beast impetuously demanded. Bow obeyed, bending so far down so that his ear brushed Kowl's delicately jagged beak.

    "What is it ol' pal!!?" blubbed Bow.

    "YARGH!" shrieked Kowl as his furry head jerked upward to deliver a vicious bite with his razor-sharp beak, tearing away part of Bow's ear as he rent a long, lethal slash down Bow's neck, all the way to his collar-bone, using the last ounce of his bestial strength.

    Bow withdrew with a frantic scream of pain and terror. Bright red blood was shooting into the air out of the side of his neck with every pump of his heart. He staggered & looked down at Kowl in disbelief & horror.

    "F*c*in' f*gg*t!!!" Kowl hissed with his final breath, the fatal arrow still stuck in between his delicate little ribs.

    "Oh-gh...!" Bow moaned, his hands already awash with blood as they groped around the terrible wound that gaped down his throat like a hideous, giant grin.

    "Gak-gak...! ...." Bow tried to speak, to yell, but only a stream of blood flowed out of his mouth now. The blood was everywhere, gushing like a fountain.

    Pale and almost dead, Bow collapsed to the ground, heaving, trembling. He tried to breathe, but he knew he would now die here - either from blood-loss or suffocating on his own blood.

    But Bow was wrong - a pack of wolves had been drawn to their scent and had already crept around Kowl & Bow. Before the numbness took Bow into total oblivion, the wolf pack had decended upon him, tearing him apart with their hungry jaws while he still lived. In his final moments, Bow's mouth quivered, trying to form Adora's name. But a wolf bit them off.

    By the time the pack of wolves were done, nothing was left of Bow nor Kowl but a pair of Bow's bloodied, inedible & unwearable space-boots.

    No-one really missed them.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; July 4, 2011 at 07:24pm.
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    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  11. #11
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Ok, since the recent outpouring of grief & hate-mail***, I've realised that many of you are attached to your favourite cartoon/doll character. So - I will be merciful. You don't have to request a horrible death, I'm also willing to do hideous mutilations.

    If ideas aren't forthcoming, I might have to detail how the Sorceress allowed King Hisss to bite her. Perhaps she was trying to make Fisto jealous. Or Man-At-Arms. Or Keldor. Who knows, she gets around. Apparently.

    ***I'm joking
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; June 2, 2011 at 09:50am.
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    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
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  12. #12
    Heroic Warrior Saved's Avatar
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    Funny stuff man. Some people just take this way too serious.

  13. #13
    Evil Witch of Metternia Met-Hild's Avatar
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    Finally I got to reading this thread! I guess it tells something about my sense of humor that I found Buzz-Off's Pride and the Bride of Modulok really funny and appropriate in their own way. But now I find myself wanting to know what the final fates of Beastman and Merman would be like, and if Clawful's death is going to involve boiling water or being cut in half...

    Also, I wonder what would happen if King Hiss tried to swallow Whiplash whole?

    I'm sorry to hear that you're getting hate mail. These things clearly aren't for everyone (some are a bit overly gruesome for me too) but nobody is forcing anyone to read them. Freedom of expression, and all that!
    The artist formerly known as Mechthild

    Please check out my MOTU revision fan art, and fan fiction: Metternia bios and history & myths.

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  14. #14
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Heheh! Glad you guys got a kick out of it all!

    But don't worry, I was just joking about the hate mail!

    I think Clawful, Mermie & Beastie should all end up on someone's plate... I can see a few giants getting food poisoning from them & spattering the Eternian landscape with their vomit

    And yes, King Hsss is surely going to bite off more than he can chew one day, hmm?
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  15. #15
    Evil Master of Mazes! Zargon's Avatar
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    Funny stuff, keep it up.
    Top Ten MOTUC wants: Sagitar, Great Black Wizard, Fang-or, Dragstor, Peekablue, Skeletor's Skeleton Warriors, Despara, Evil Seed (all era) w/Odiphus, Illumina w/Sleetah, Lady Slither

  16. #16
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    King Lisp

    "Ah..." sighed King Hisss. "I just love chicken. It tassstesss ssso much better than thossse rubbery Cosssmic Enforcersss!"

    Sssqueeze placed the family-size bucket of chicken down reverently in front of his King, without moving his seated body. His long arms were so useful & lengthy, he could even tickle people on the other side of Snake Mountain.

    "Why do we have to ssstay in the guessst quartersss of the Mountain?" he whined. "When are we going to betray - "

    "Sssilence fool!" Hiss cut him short. "Are you forgetting the magic glassss that allowsss Ssskeletor to look at anything, anywhere & at anytime?

    Sssqueeze had not forgotten. It's why he changed his underwear under the blankets in bed. But he decided not to mention it and annoy Hiss even more.

    But Hiss was already really, really mad.

    "Why did I get the ssstupediessst, ugliessst SssnakeMen from the Void!?" One of his snake arms reached down to scoop up a chicken wing and threw it down the neck of the biggest, most talkative head, while it ranted.

    Rattlor looked up from the game of dice he was playing with Tongue-Lasher and scowled resentfully.

    "Godsss and demonsss!" Hiss blared as he dropped more chicken down his snakey throat. "Rattlor is about as useful as Mekanek & Sssnake-Fassse can't turn anyone to ssstone to sssave hisss life!"

    "I turned thomeone to thtone with my tongue power!" Tongue-Lasher protested.

    But no-one could ever understand what he said & Hiss ignored him. "You all might asss well be called the Worm-Men!" Hiss paused momentarily to gulp down some chicken. "Yesss! That'sss it! Worm-Men!!! And everyone will laugh at you, like I do!" he shrieked hysterically, his snake-arms feeding more chicken into his great big mouth while he ranted and raved.

    Suddenly, with a choked gasp, the King's diatribe came to an end. His big snake head gagged and heaved and not a single other word emerged. ".......!"

    "My lord?" Sssqueeze politely enquired.

    ".....................!" Hiss replied as he got up from his throne, staggering around, the snakes of his body flailing wildly, each one of them trying to speak, all of their lidless eyes bulging.

    Tongue Lasher jumped to his feet. "It'th a chicken bone! Our mathter ith choking!"

    Rattlor turned to his dice-partner. "What did you sssay?"

    "He sssaid sssomething about our great massster" Snake-Face guessed.

    "No, he ssssaid it doesssn't matter" Cobra-Khan yelled. "He isss a traitor!"

    ".................!" Hiss tried to say, smashing into the second-hand tables and folding chairs Skeletor had let them use, his snake heads all gasping and shaking. "............!!!"

    Rattlor turned to Sssqueeze. "Hit him on the back!"

    "No way! I'm not hitting our fearlessss Leader!"

    Hiss fell to the floor, legs kicking. Rattlor picked him back up. "Look, his fassesss are all blue!"

    "Quick comrade!" Lasher yelled, "do the Heimlich maneouver! It'th hith only hope!"

    "What did you say Lasher? What did he say?" Rattlor turned to the others, holding their limp King.

    "Something about licking of courssse!" Khan said dismissively.

    "No, no! The Heimlich maneouver!" Lasher pushed Rattlor out of the way and grabbed his dying monarch from behind. Then he pressed his fists into Hiss's snake-body rhythmically, trying to dislodge the chicken-bone.

    "Asssasssin!" Khan cried out, pointing his finger.

    "He'sss trying to help, dummy!" Face yelled and then turned to Lasher. "Don't bother comrade, he'sss obviousssly dead. What you're doing is pointlesss. Sssnakes don't have diaphragmsss."

    Lasher's face fell. "Oh. I didn't know that", and he let Hiss drop back down with a thud. "I thuppoth that meanth we can all share the chicken at leatht?"

    But it was too late! Cobra Khan had already sat himself on Hiss's throne and gobbled it all up.


    ***
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; June 3, 2011 at 07:35pm.

  17. #17
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    A Christmas Tale

    Once a year, Skeletor smiled - and today was that day! Skeletor's favourite day, the only day that made him happy!

    Christmas Day!

    Skeletor leapt out of bed and - impossibly - smiled! But almost straight-away, he realised something was wrong... From the dungeons below, he could hear crying and wailing. This itself was not unusual, as Skeletor kept his prisoners, pets, girlfriends & ex-mother-in-law down there.

    But today, the cries of pain sounded different. Worried that this special day might be utterly ruined, Skeletor didn't even take off his skull & cross-bones pajamas and hurried down the stairs.

    As the Lord of Destruction got closer and closer to the dungeons, he could tell who was crying...! He burst into the room where he had whipped his Evil Warriors into putting up the Christmas tree, with a little plastic Sorceress on top. Sitting around the tree were those very same minions - but even more pathetic than usual.

    "Beastie! Mermie! Trappy! Kloppy! Why are you all crying like silly little girls! You won't ruin my favourite day! Stop snivelling this instant!" Skeletor stamped his foot.

    "Rawr!" Beastman yelled, his facial fur wet with tears. "You're too late! Christmas Day is already ruined!"

    "Ugh! Um! This is worse than last year, when Zodac came over to get his presents for being villainous and then went over to King Randor to get more presents for being heroic!" Trappy moped.

    Skeletor's mind raced. Could it be He-Man? No, He-Man wouldn't spoil Christmas, not even for his arch-enemy. Then who could it be!?

    "Gargle!" sobbed Mermie, choking back tears. "She did it!" and he pointed an accusing finger at the wicked Evil-Lyn.

    Skeletor's dread gaze fell upon the nasty witch. She was sitting a little away from the others, and around her lay bright, crumpled paper, cut ribbons, and torn boxes.

    "What!? You've opened everything up already and spoiled the surprises!? Letting the cat out of the bag, as it were!!?" Skeletor fumed.

    Evil-Lyn crossed her arms and pouted. "Well, if you don't want me around, Count Marzo will! Or King Hisss! Or Hordak! Or Gygor!"

    Tri-Klops, having finished wiping a tear from each eye, raised his hand. "And she ate all of the chocolates out of her advent-calendar the first day that she got it too!"

    ***
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 08:50pm.

  18. #18
    Odysseus the Cunning Ulisses31's Avatar
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    All very funny And Sad also! Everyone dies!!!!!!!!
    Now available for commissions.

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  19. #19
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Of Mice and Men and Cats and Giants

    With an almight kick of his giant leg, Megator smashed into the ranks of his enemy. "Tiny men run! Megator stomp! Raarhhahahahar!"

    It was the Ultimate Battleground! Never again would there be such an Ultimate fight in such an Ultimate place! It was - by definition - ULTIMATE!

    But then, as Megator was about to press his giant advantage, he heard a really, really cute noise!

    "Meow!"

    His lumbering, ugly head swivelled towards the sound - as we all know, giant dumb-asses love little furry things (even if they might squeeze them too hard). "Dur! Nice kitty! Megator pet kitty!"

    "MEORAWR!" came the reply...

    Across the battlefield, everyone turned to look at the source of the cat-shriek and at the troubled giant, now locked in a mortal struggle.

    "Gods! Arrgh! RAAHR!" roared Metagor as the Central Tower bit into the arm stretched out to pet it.

    Then, with an almighty suck of it's cat-mouth, the rest of the giant followed into the chomping jaws of the Tower.

    C R U N C H

    The Central Tower then licked its gory lips with satisfaction.

    The rest, as they say, is history.

    ***
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; July 6, 2011 at 02:45pm.

  20. #20
    Evil Witch of Metternia Met-Hild's Avatar
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    I loved A Christmas Tale and King Lisp! They're my favorites so far. You should really write more dialogue-heavy MOTU parody, you seem to have a knack for it.

    And now I finally understand how Megator managed to get himself stuck between those jaws. Huh.
    The artist formerly known as Mechthild

    Please check out my MOTU revision fan art, and fan fiction: Metternia bios and history & myths.

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  21. #21
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    Heh heh!
    Good suggestion regarding the dialogue...thanks
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  22. #22
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    I'm feeling murderous.

    Any fan requests?
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

  23. #23
    Heroic Warrior Eternian-King Paul's Avatar
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    ..well,,
    What if Cringor ate someone, like Clawful or Merman, ..without getting his paws wet..?

  24. #24
    Evil Henchman of Hordak Louis649's Avatar
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    I laughed a lot with your Bow, Skeletor and Megator stories. No one can cheat death.
    I'm Skeletor, master of evil! All of you should show respect for the awful one.

    I am Grizzlor #1 fan!

  25. #25
    Heroic Warrior Eternian Poet's Avatar
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    The Pansy Pact (v2)

    It was a glorious evening on Planet Eternia! He-Man & the Heroic Warriors had fought off Skeletor, Hordak & King Hisss all in one go! Everyone was at the local bar celebrating - Ram-Man & Fisto were already dangerously drunk & even Teela was being sort of flirty in a butch way. Except... three of our heroes were not happy. Their roles in the battle had been entirely useless.

    Mekaneck turned his head right around to face Extendar & Snout-Spout. He did this mostly because it was one of the few tricks he was capable of doing. He sighed. "My long-ish neck really isn't that useful, is it guys?"

    "Bah!" spat Extendar, "Your neck gets longer than mine! You're always complaining - that's why people call you Pain-in-the-Mekaneck!"

    "What!?" whimpered Mekaneck, "I... I didn't know that!"

    "So much for your surveillance skills then, huh!?" said Extendar with a malicious grin.

    Mekaneck's head slumped forwards - or rather- backwards, as he was still looking behind himself. His little cleft-chin rested upon his spine & slowly, pathetically, sank down his back by a few notches. 'Click'. 'Click.' his neck went.

    Snout-Spout watched the two friends bicker with his big sad eyes. "That's not a bad nickname Mek. Extendar told me that the Queen calls me 'Dumbo' or sometimes 'Mr. Merrick'. I don't know why, but I don't like it." A single tear rolled down his metal face & his nose dripped.

    "Get a freakin' grip!" yelled Extendar, his limbs extended with annoyance, ready to hit out at something - anything! "Your life was saved by your neck, Mek & as for you, Snouty, Hordak only replaced your stupid head. With me, he changed my whole body! I'm all metal - "

    "Yeah" Snout said with fake sympathy "and we ALL know that this means the only part of your body that doesn't extend is your - "

    Cocka-doodle-doo! crowed a rooster outside, in a timely fashion.

    Mekaneck grinned, glad that Extendar was being teased instead of him, and tried to think of some clever insults involving extensions or the lack thereof.

    Extendar glowered at them both & glugged his jug of ale. "B*stards..." he muttered behind his metal mask.

    On the table next to them, Prince Adam was dancing while the other Masters clapped. His face was rosy-red with drink & suddenly he fell into Fistos lap. "Oh Fisto! Thanks for catching me!" and he fluttered his eye-lids as Fisto tittered.

    "Gods and demons damn it!" Yelled Extendar. "I hate my life!"

    "Let's get out of here," muttered Snout gloomily. "I need to clear my head."

    "Why?" sputtered Mekaneck drunkly, "can you never forget your pain?"

    Snout tried to glare at Mekaneck, but just looked sad, which made Mek feel even more guilty & ashamed. "Jeez..." he said quietly, "I..."

    "Come on!" interrupted Extendar, "I'm going to kill myself! Everyone hates me! And my powers are just goofy!"

    "Yeah!" cried Mekaneck, staggering to his feet. "Screw this!" and pulled Snout with him. "Um.. ok" stammered poor Spouty, beginning to tremble as he thought of how scary death is.

    The three friends left together, but everyone except Buzz-Off was having too much fun to see them go. With cold, glittering insect eyes he watched their departing backs and said to himself "ZZzzz! Glad to see thoze buzz-killz go!"

    ***

    Castle Greyskull! The terrifying & indomitable Fortress of Mystery & Power seemed to stare at the three Heroic Warriors standing before it. The stone was a deep, dark green that appeared black in the night-time. Though each massive stone looked worn with age, the blocks themselves seem to have been carved and laid-down by Giants, the whole edifice having the appearance of familiarity, but on an alien scale that would be utterly impossible for puny humans to construct.

    The massive stones of the battlements above the walls had the same quality - and though etched in cracks and pitted with blows, each stone had an aura of indestructibility, of solidity and reality which were so imposing that a man felt crushed by them if he were to approach too close, as if they took up the very space a mere mortal.

    The three Suicidal Heroes shuddered - every inch of Greyskull was a threat, a hulking slab of stone that warned away every living thing. Nothing grew nearby, no birds roosted therein, no animal looked upon it - the Castle was Death & Mystery incarnate. In the darkness and the rain, they could not see the impenetrable Fortress clearly. Darkness pooled within the mouth and eyes of Greyskull, lending it the aspect of a wicked leer.

    "Here we are!" bellowed Extendar, standing with his two friends on the lip of the bottomless Abyss that surrounded Greyskull. "This is the end of us & our crappy, laughable powers!"

    The three heroes held hands. "We die together - " wept Mekaneck, blubbing in self-pity.

    "No-one cares about us!" whimpered Snouty, looking around in the hope that someone had followed them, surely, to stop them.

    "Right on!" screamed Extendar. "This suicide pact is the only smart thing we've ever done! To hell with Eternia!" he shrieked and jumped, his iron hands gripping his two friends, dragging them into the bottomless moat.

    "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed as they plunged towards an eternal death.

    ....But as the Hopesless Heroes fell, waving their arms and kicking their legs, Mekaneck changed his mind. He began to extend his normally useless neck, faster than his velocity. Suddenly, his head reached the edge of the Abyss, high above his falling body - and with sudden resolve his head shot over the ground and his neck wrapped around a nearby, twisted rock. With a sudden jerk, Mek's body stopped falling. Below him Snout & Extendar, screaming like sissies, plummeted to their ghastly dooms.

    ***

    Though Mekaneck survived, irrepairable damage was done to his neck, and he could no longer extend it further or make it retract back into his body. He was left dragging his head several miles behind him for the rest of his sorry-ass days.

    His fellow heroes, full of contempt, refer to him a Brekaneck, henceforth.
    Last edited by Eternian Poet; August 12, 2014 at 09:06pm.
    ***
    Funny Fan Fic: Meet the Rea-Por! (Heroic & Villainous Deaths) & The Mighty Spector's FIRST EVER FAN-FIC
    & not so funny Fan Fic: War of Attrition
    Trade feedback & WANTED: Bow/SLL style boots!

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