Tell me a joke.

[wolfsfang]

despite my reputation (especially on the chatroom) of being quite miserable and full of hatred I love a good joke so I thought I would start this thread for people to share jokes

-

Man 1: "Have you decided what to get your wife for your anniversary?"

Man 2: "Yes. She would love something with a diamond, so I have bought her a pack of cards."


-

A man had just started work at a building site. He approached the foreman and asked

"So where would you like me to start?"

The foreman handed him a shovel and pointed to a trench with a group of men in it.

"You can help those men in there." the foreman said.

So the man grabbed the shovel and jumped into the trench fallen fifteen foot and breaking his leg.

"My god," said the foreman rushing over to see the injured man. "Why didn't you use the ladder?"

"Because," replied the man nursing his broken leg. "I thought they were for going up."

---


A general was inspecting some troops.

"You, lot are a disgrace." he shouted. "That is the worst straight line I have ever seen, it is a total shambles. Everyone fall out and come take a look at it."


----

A big Texan man was on vacation in England and was currently at a market looking at some vegetables. Picking up an apple he asked

"What is this puny thing?"

The worker looked up "That's an apple sir." she said

"Ha," laughed the Texan "In Texas our apples are twice as big"

He looked again and this time he picked up a potato

"and what is this puny thing?" he asked

The worker sighed "That's a potato sir." she said trying to stay calm

"Ha," laughed the Texan "In Texas our potatoes are twice as big"

Again he looked and this time he picked up a cabbage.

"Sir." said the worker. "If you're not going to buy them please put the sprout back down."

----

An Englishman was on holiday in Texas and was enjoying a horse ride with his Texan buddy and his loyal dog. They were galloping along when the Englishman's horse tripped on a Prairiedog hole, tumbling to the ground and crushing the poor dog. Horrified, the Texan jumped off his horse and ran over. Seeing that the Horse's leg was broken he pulled out a revolver and shot the animal dead. He then looked at the dog, it's back was obviously broken and it was in great pain, so again he shot it dead. Lastly he looked at his english friend.

"Are you okay?" enquired the Texan.

The Englishman looked at the two dead animals and then at the gun.

"Sure." he replied nervously. "I have never felt better in my life."

[Fendi]

I can't give ya any jokes Wolfy because you really hate my sense of humour in the chatroom. Well I'll write one if you're in the chatroom.

[vertigoink]

THE MIGHTY SPECTOR!

[wolfsfang]

First Woman: "I hear your husband died in his sleep the other week. That must have been a shock?"

Second Woman: "Indeed it was but it would have been a bigger one to him. If he had woke up and found that he had died, the shock would have killed him."

---

[Dave-Man]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students at the University of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods in upstate Michigan; find a bear; preach to it; and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the results of their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.”

Pastor Billy B. Smith spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said Flanny, he became as gentle as a lamb. In fact, until the ambulance came, we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape near death, but recovering.

The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

[MOTU_Maniac]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students at the University of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods in upstate Michigan; find a bear; preach to it; and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the results of their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.”

Pastor Billy B. Smith spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said Flanny, he became as gentle as a lamb. In fact, until the ambulance came, we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape near death, but recovering.

The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Hahaha! Good one! Thanks for sharing!

[Benedict Judas Hel]

A white horse fell in the mud.

[Scotward]

So this Neutron walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender pours the drink, and the neutron asks, "How much?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

__________

Cause he's a neutron you see...


SCIENCE!!! YEAH!!!!!

[ksensor]

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrup...

MOO!



It's a classic.

[motu77]

Customer service at Matty!!!!!

I'd tell a real joke but the one's I know would get me banned for a while.

[Slayor]

[mikethedrummer]

What happened to the skunk in church?
Sat in his own pew.

[Scotward]

A white horse fell in the mud.

I know I'll regret this, but... what?

[mikethedrummer]

I know I'll regret this, but... what?

It's a dirty joke...

[Bear-at-Arms]

Hopefully this won't get me in trouble, but this is my favorite Rodney Dangerfield joke:
"My wife said she wanted to do it in the back seat. She told me to drive!"
Dangerfield was the best!!!

[Scotward]

It's a dirty joke...

Oh! I get it!

I get jokes!

[Benedict Judas Hel]

It's a dirty joke...

Correction: It's the dirtiest joke allowed on the .org without getting an infraction.

[TechTrek]

Correction: It's the dirtiest joke allowed on the .org without getting an infraction.

and we know you benny.... always right there toeing the line..............

[Benedict Judas Hel]

and we know you benny.... always right there toeing the line..............

Well, somebody's got to be looking out for your freedoms, trekker...

[wolfsfang]

I said "Tell me a joke." not discuss them

[TechTrek]

I said "Tell me a joke." not discuss them

sorry wolfy. dang man, you should be upgraded with some sort of badge, the org is looking for guys like you. you got right on this when it started going off the wrong path!!!!

[Benedict Judas Hel]

sorry wolfy. dang man, you should be upgraded with some sort of badge, the org is looking for guys like you. you got right on this when it started going off the wrong path!!!!

Yeah. Wolfer does seem like the law and order type. He's got no patience for us rapscallions and is quick to put us in our place.

[Alexx]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks *RIMSHOT*

How do you address a crowd of campers and dolphins? Tell 'em it's for all in tents and porpoises.

Guy hears a tiny knock on the door and answers it. The man sees nothing but a snail on the ground in front of the doorway, so he picks it up and tosses it across the street. Months pass, the man goes about his life, and the event is forgotten. Then one day he hears a tiny knock on the door. He answers it, and once more the snail is there and it says: "What'd you do that for?"

Guy is walkin' around a cemetery when he is suddenly faced with a floating coffin. Not wanting to wait and see what it wants, the man hightails it; only to find the coffin following him just as swiftly as he can run. He finally runs inside the mausoleum, but is quickly cornered by the floating coffin. Nowhere to run, the man checked his pockect, sighed with relief, pulled out a cough drop, popped it in his mouth, and stopped that coffin.

[FiveOfSeven]

When I pass on, I want to go peacefully while sleeping, like my Father...














...not shrieking in terror, like his passengers.

[flutterina]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie