1987 Toronto Star Newspapers, Ltd.
The Toronto Star
August 10, 1987, Monday, FINAL EDITION

SECTION: ENTERTAINMENT; Pg. D1
HEADLINE: Care Bears and He-Man dream of green Christmas
BYLINE: By Rob Salem Toronto Star

DEAR SANTA:
I know it's a little early to start sending you stuff like this, but it's really, really important, and I wanted to get in before the Christmas rush.

We gotta talk, Santa. You, me, and my little sister. You remember her, the snotty little dweeb with the pigtails who was with me when we saw you at the mall last year? (By the way, I took your advice - and she really is a lot easier to get along with now that I've stopped calling her Ratface.)

Anyway, it all started last weekend, when Mom and Dad took us to the mall for a movie. Mom and Ratface - sorry, Mom and Sis - went to The Care Bears Adventure In Wonderland (I know, but girls seem to like this kinda stuff). Dad and I went to see Masters Of The Universe. And not the Saturday morning cartoon, either. We're talking live action, with my hero He-Man played by Dolph Lundgren, that Russian guy who pounded Rocky last year.

He-Man and the Care Bears used to be just toys, Santa . . . but then, I don't have to tell you that, do I? After all, it was only last Christmas you brought Sis her latest batch of Bears, and me that Castle Greyskull Slime Pit Torture Rack Adventure Set with the new He-Man action figure, the one with the crossbow/laser-rifle and "stab-and-bleed" chest plate (sold separately).

Now, don't get me wrong here, Santa. I'm not being ungrateful. I really do love all my He-Man toys, even if the Slime Pit did leak slime all over the new carpet. And I still sleep in He-Man pajamas on He-Man sheets and carry my sandwiches in a He-Man lunchbox. It's just that ever since I got home from this movie, it feels like something is missing. The thrill is gone.

Masters Of The Universe was an awesome movie, Santa. And I mean like amazing, with lots of sword fights and lasers and weird creatures that look just like my toys at home. (Dad says Man-At-Arms is actually John Cypher, the guy who played Chief Daniels on Hill Street Blues, and the Sorceress is Christina Pickles, the head nurse on St. Elsewhere. And ol' skull-face Skeletor is somebody named Frank Langella. But I think he was just kidding.)

It doesn't really matter, 'cause Dolph's got these neato muscles, and he talks better than Schwarzenegger and Stallone, and the movie really is a lot of fun (when it isn't boring), especially when they all come to Earth and have this big fight and like trash this entire music store . . . rad or what?

Mom and Sis really really liked their movie, too. Just like they liked the first two Care Bear movies. I don't see the attraction, myself. I mean, they're only stuffed animals. They don't even have super-powers. They just . . . care. But Sis loved the songs and the gooey stuff, and all the characters they stole from Alice In Wonderland, which she may even read now, once she's old enough. At least, that's what Mom says.

Mom liked Care Bears too, particularly the rapping Chesire Cat and the flamingo that talked like Crocodile Dundee. And she says the animation was done right here in Toronto, and that some scenes reminded her of Yellow Submarine (whatever that is), and that it ended with a really positive message (I asked my sister what it was, but she had no idea what I was talking about).

And I saw Dad laughing a lot during Masters Of The Universe - he said it reminded him of the Sinbad and Hercules movies he used to love. Personally, I see it more as a cross between Conan The Barbarian and Star Wars, but I guess it all depends on your frame of reference. At least, that's what Dad says.

So when we get home, of course, we run straight up to our rooms and dig out the toys. Sis lays out the entire Care Bear family - Tenderheart Bear, Grumpy Bear, Dopey Bear, Sneezy Bear . . . - while I set up my He-Man collection, all of it, including the Slime Pit (although, Mom insisted, without the slime).

And then . . . nothing. They just sat there, Santa. The Care Bears didn't care, or dance or sing or share any upbeat philosophy. He-Man did not fly around the room frying villains with his laser crossbow or try to save the universe or anything.

So what gives, Santa? You holding out on us? The way we figure it, this is all just a promotional gimmick for next season's He-Man and Care Bear product lines, the ones that will walk and talk and philosophize and save the universe, just like in the movies.

In which case, please consider this your first advance order.

Hopefully yours,
Robbie

Masters Of The Universe
Starring Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella. Screenplay by David Odell. Directed by Gary Goddard. At the Hyland (Yonge at St. Clair, 962-2891). PG

The Care Bears: Adventure In Wonderland
Animated musical. Screenplay by Susan Snooks and John De Klein. Directed by Raymond Jafelice. At Eaton Centre (Dundas at Yonge, 296-3456). G