Ask Gorpo!
Volume I - August 12, 1999

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can.


Dear Gorpo,
There's this very attractive female that I want to ask out. Yet, every time I see her, she rolls her eyes and ignores me. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!
"Bitter in Blacksburg"

Dear "Bitter,"
I'm sure your a very handsome and intelligent man, so I suggest grabbing the nearest spellbook and casting a love spell on her...I think it's "Scribble-dee"...what's that? Oh, sorry, my little advisor friend, Mr. Frabble, just told me that most humans aren't able to use magic. Um...well, try talking to her, and if she still ignores you, make her a Doomberry Pie. That'll fix her real quick. Oh, be quiet, Mr. Frabble, or I'll stick you back in your jar!


Hi!
I watch your brother on TV all the time! (I'll bet you hear that a lot!) I'm hoping you can help me with a problem I have...I am a SOM (Single Orange Male), a recent immigrant to Eternia. I have loved a girl back home on Etheria (from afar) for as long as I can remember. We grew up together in a small village called Devlan, but she was always too proud to notice me, even before the bizarre chain of events that gave her her amazing peacock plumage, and the gift of sight beyond sight. My problem is, following my unfortunate run-in with the Evil Horde, I have a metallic head that resembles an elephant! Not that I was a matinee idol before this, but come on...! I had been working up the courage to reveal my feelings for this girl, but now she only sees me as an odd-looking ally, someone who can "pull it out of the fire," so to speak. Was re-locating to Eternia the right thing to do? I was hoping to gain some perspective on my (admittedly unique) situation from a distance, but it seems that absence has only made my heart grow fonder. Any advice?

Signed,
"Long-Nosed and Lonely"

Dear "Long-Nosed,"
I do hear that a lot, and though I love my brother very much, I sometimes want to strangle him because of his success. But enough of that, I do have advice for you. Much of your problem is familiar to me...my second cousin Snarf once knew an orange guy with sight beyond sight, and once I had my own beautiful face transformed into that of a metal Skrawvannok'psalrxzurgok, a Trollan beast that looks much like your planet's Pat Sajak. Needless to say, the girl I loved, the most beautiful in the land (her name was Buford, by the way) dumped me for Brad Pitt. I got back at her though...I got her good... I'm so glad Julia Child showed the world how to cook Doomberry Pie. And with a bit of cinnamon, it's delish! What's that, Mr. Frabble? Oh yes, your question. Well, If your beloved can see anything, than a long-distance relationship should be nose problem...I mean no problem, and she should be able to see you for the beautiful person you really are, and not the cybernetic pachyderm head. And if she can't, a Doomberry Pie would fix her good! Sneeze...er...see you later.


Mhy does my boss's dog freak out so bad when you put a big rock on the floor? It barks and yelps and growls uncontrollably (you would think that someone was choking the dog to death if you heard it) until you take the rock from him...Then he just walks around behind you begging for the rock again...???

Thanks!
Curious

Dear Curious,
I think the real question is "Why does your boss put a big rock on the floor in front of his dog?" Why isn't he working, doing boss-like things like supervising his underlings and banishing the insolent to the Demon Zone? I think you should rat on your boss and get him fired, so you can usurp his position. Now, as for the dog, have you run an analysis on the rock to ensure that it's not really a Rock Person or Meteorb? Perhaps the canine senses something. Now, if it happens to be a Gobotronian Rock Lord, I suggest disintegrating it immediately. The rock lord, of course, not the dog.


Josh Boomer asks:
Where does He'Man's sword go when he's Prince Adam?

Well, you see it's--wait--He-Man is Prince Adam?? OF COURSE!!! I should have known... they look so much alike! I can't believe I never suspected it! They just act sooo different...and I guess that means that his pet, Cringer, is really Battle Cat, right? And Princess Adora is She-Ra! Wow! Thanks for telling me that, your invisible "Dear Gorpo" Magic T-shirt is in the mail. Now, I'm not really acquainted with He-Man or his newly-revealed secret identity, so I'll let Eternia's Royal Palace's own Man-Aty-Arms field the question. Duncan?

"Thank you, Gorpo. Well, Mr. Boomer, the disappearance of He-Man's sword when he has become Prince Adam is very easily explained with this simple equation:

Rz4-63,325x(46,012,658,920.1285539665e)-[(24f)(27,123y)]=17,412th/(x+14tzr)

I believe that should answer your question, though I'm still working on why it makes a 'Sword-being-pulled-from-sheath' sound when he draws it...that question has kept me from sleeping for weeks. Back to you, Gorpo."

.......um...well, thanks for writing, Josh...on to the next question, and hurry!


Brett writes:
Uh, I feel kinda funny doing this, but here goes. Gorpo, isn't it true that Orko's original name was Gorpo? (Check the Masters of the Universe Bible out at Busta Toons page!)

Dear Brett,
Yes, our parents were very indecisive. They were originally going to bestow the name Gorpo upon my brother, but they thought the bame "Gorpo the Great" had too many words starting with 'g's so they decided on Orko and I was given his discarded name. I hate my parents, if only I knew how to make Doomberry Pie before I left for the University of Trolla...


Dear Gorpo,
I truly hope that you can help me with my problem. My husband and I are at our wit's end!! My father is an amateur alchemist, and has gotten this family into trouble before with that water he got from the Valley of Power a few years back. He and his "Secret Liquid of Life" nearly got me sacrificed to the whim of an evil tyrant! Only through the intervention of He-Man and my then-fiance', Dakon, were things put right. The last few years have found Dakon and me lost in wedded bliss. But now, the unthinkable has happened! Our only child has fallen victim to this madness! What was I thinking when I asked father to baby-sit little Elmar? When that spare vial of "liquid" got spilled on my baby, he grew instantly from a two-year-old, to a full-grown adult!! What's a mother to do?! The enhanced senses, and the super-speed and agility my Elmar received from this accident are nice, but I WANT MY BABY BACK! My little Elmar has taken to following his hero, He-Man, off on his missions against the forces of evil, armed with a massive "Power Pincer", whatever that is. This is no job for a two-year-old!! He has even recently been sighted "out and about" with a blue-haired Etherian floozy, at least ten times his age (she's twenty if she's a day!). Even the Sorceress of Grayskull has been of no help! The only remedy she could find would restore Elmar's mind, but not his body, to its former youth. I wouldn't mind going back to changing diapers, but not on something THAT size! Is there any advice you can lend, Gorpo? Must my husband and I face up to the fact that we've lost our baby forever? I'm too young for the "empty nest" syndrome!

Desperately,
M

Dear "M,"
It sounds like you've got quite a problem, but I think you need to got your son's permission before reducing him to an infant. Sure, it's how he's supposed to be, and obviously how you want him to be, but have you contemplated the positive side of this? Imagine the money you'll save! You don't have to pay for bottles, schooling, diapers, 'my first fuzzy underwear,' or anything that new parents usually complain about!


Grrahahar Gorpo,
Grrah rrhal hrrrahrr hhr ggrrrohrr herrkshrr rrraaarrr grr grrt rrrarr grr rrg gg. Srrgrr arrarr rralla rrhr rhhhraar?

Grrahrr,
"Rahaar rrrg Grrahrr"

Dear "Rahaar,"
If my translation spell worked correctly, you're Panthor, Skeletor's pet...whatever you are, and Beast Man's been stealing your food and he gave you fleas. ...If the spell didn't work correctly, then you're a three-hundred-year-old, one-eyed midget with a bladder problem. In the first case, you should tell Skeletor of your problem. If that doesn't work, maul Beast Man until he looks like raw hamburger meat. If the second is true, I suggest you find some extra-large diapers and an eyepatch. Both can be found at "Diapers and Eyepatches R Us" in the Sands of Time Strip Mall on Eternia.

That's all the letters for now! Keep writing in!

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