Ask Gorpo!
Volume VIII - April 9, 2000

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can.


Hi Gorp,
I was wondering if you could answer this question for me. I am a huge fan of the He-man series, although i have not seen an episode since i was much yonger, i was wondering, what was the title of the first episode?

Thankyou.
Daniel Posner

Hi Posn,
Well, stop wondering. Life's too short to spend time wondering. "Oh, I wonder what would've happened if I'd dated her," "I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't killed him" ...bah. Of course, such isn't true for Trollans. We can outlast you like Frosta can outlast Rio Blast, and believe me, that's quite awhile. They don't call him "The Fastest Draw on Eternia" for nothin', y'know. The title of the first episode was called "The Road to Cancellation" or "Give Us Money, Please" or something like that. That was back during the time when He-Man was addicted to pain killers and his variety show featured lots of Muppets. Or something. Be careful around muppets, kid. They're evil... like spawns of the devil with wires holding their arms up. You'd be evil too if you had some guy's hand up your ass all the time. Or maybe you do. Oy. To think you people built a cartoon around him. Now he's the Most Self-Centered Man in the Universe. Thanks, thanks a lot.


Hi Gorpo nice to meet you,
I am 22 and an old fan of He-man and She-ra. I was wondering can anyone possible buy videos of there great adventures?

Shannon

Hi Shannon, we haven't technically met yet, but give me your address and we can get to know each other. Then I'll show you some real magic. Anyway, there are videos of their great adventures, but they're filmed on-the-spot, usually by Snout Spout or a Twiggit or some other loser who doesn't have a real job. The quality is terrible... Eternia has all kinds of hi-tech weaponry, but they can't make a decent camera. Just go watch COPS or rent "The Bland Witch Project"... it's basically the same thing, minus He-Man and She-Ra. Skeletor did appear in an episode of COPS, but he was shirtless, balding, had a beer gut, and had just beaten Tri-Klops after an awesome kegger. That was a great night.


Dear trollan friend,
last night i get a knock at my door. i walk down the stairs and open the door to find beast-man and skelitor standing there with a case of molson ice. before i could say two words, the two suns of bitches, burst into my house and march into my living room. beast-man sat down on the floor and skelitor started dismantling the wood tables and chairs in order to make himself a throne. having completed his throne the two start drinking like Eternian dragogon whales. "what the hell is this"? i asked. my dog walked by at this moment to see what the ruckus was. beast-man used his telepathic powers to gain control of the animal and made him piss all over my living room, before eating him. at this point i was really pissed. skelitor saw the rage in my eyes and offered me some of his beers. i sloshed down as much as could and soon became quite drunk. All went black. Next morning I woke up with the worst hangover I have ever experienced. The house was trashed and skelitor and his henchman were nowhere to be found. What's the problem you ask? This happens every f***in weekend!! Help!!! How can I get them to stop dropping by without even a phone call? Thanks for listening dorko.

PS: Teela has a hot ass. I would give anything to see her naked!!! Eternia rules!!!

Dear human weirdo,
You sound like my kind of guy. The last time Skeletor crashed at my place, he didn't even bring his own beer, just a can of salt and a bucket of warm pig snouts. I won't even tell you what he did with *those*. Well, your problem is a common one, and I think I know how to solve it. First, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! When drunk, Skeletor has the odd habit of forgetting that he has magical powers. Just ignore him, and the most he'll do is have Beast Man crap on your doorstep. Next, if you do invite them in, stay sober and load up a Megalaser cannon, or some other huge weapon. That'll scare any drunken Lord of Destruction. If it keeps happening every weekend, I suggest going over to Snake Mountain with a couple buddies and doing it to his place during the week. But not on Thursdays, that's when we have our wild kegger bashes. Speaking of which, it's almost 10 AM. Time to head over there. And hey, don't call me Dorko, or I will kill you. And I'm not joking. Insipid fool... does this website only broadcast to people without grammar and spelling skills? As for Teela, you're not worthy enough to look at Eternia's greatest treasure, but I'll send you a picture of an unshaven Scorpia at Lilith Fair if you want.

Ugh... and I thought they were joking when they called "Advice Columnist" a severe punishment. How foolish of me. (sigh)


sims@hscis.net writes:
Okay, I don't know if you can help me, but I'll ask anyway. Is there a he-man soundtrack from the original cartoon? If so, how can I get a hold of it?

Dear Nameless One,
Cartoon THIS, Cartoon THAT... can't I go one letter without hearing about that blasted cartoon? Jeez, as if He-Man's ego weren't bloated enough already. To answer your question, there is no soundtrack from the cartoon, however there is a soundtrack from He-Man's time with the Broadway musical "A Bunch of Guys in Tights and Makeup That Like To Dance." It lasted for about two weeks in 1980, and was replaced by a special limited-time performance of "Cats." Twenty years and counting... the limit was kinda big, apparently.


Dear Gorpo,
When I was younger I had the figure of RATTLOR with a yellow neck. Now that I've begone to collect again, I found another version with a brown neck. I was just wanting to know whether one was rarer than the other and if there was any reason for the difference in colors. Both are colored plastic and are not painted or faded.

Cheers,
The Sorceress.

Dear Sorceress,
Look who's come crawling back. "I don't need your advice, Gorpo! I've got the wisdom of Grayskull! I can take as many No-Doz and shots of vodka as I want!" Sound familiar? I bet both you and Queen Marlena are regretting that night now. Glad I was there to get it all on tape. Yes, that's right, I've still got the tape. And I've made copies.

To answer your oh-so-easy question, what you've got are "variants". This lousy excuse for a website has a page dedicated to them. Bah, they don't even have Animated GIFs or Scrolling Marquees! Those flashy things are what make websites good! Losers! Anyway, you's got Rattlor, and Redneck Rattlor, only available in the southern United States on Earth, or in whatever town Rio Blast comes from. I saw him cooking the shadow beast that Adam ran over with the Attak Trak... disgusting. He lives in a hover-trailer too. Though it's barely hovering... the stack of beer cans under it is big enough to support the whole thing. I swear I'm going to shoot him with a plasma shotgun the next time he invites me over for a "back shavin' an' a right fancy dinner with all the fixins." (shudder) Or maybe I'll just bring over a Doomberry Pie...


Dear Gorpo;
Although I try to block out most of my memories of the eighties, Some of the rare good ones include the "He-Man" series. As a matter of fact, it was my favorite show, as I recall. My friends and I together had almost all of the toys, And I can't count the number of times I attempted to lay siege to various establishments with my own plastic sword of power. Unfortunately, I was very young back then, and remember very little of what the episodes were about. Do you, in your infinite and whimsical knowledge, know where I can find any episodes?

From
getting a little obsessed

Dear Obsessed,
Show this, show that! Good lord, doesn't anyone want to talk about me? I'm getting upset with all you people and your beloved He-Man. Oh, they wouldn't let me on the show because I was "too evil for a good guy." Too evil? They obviously never read Ram-Man's diary. And I don't mean the parts where he earns his name, I'm talking about the everyone-thinks-I'm-stupid-but-I'm-going-to-kill-them-all-and-take-over-the-world parts. Anyway, on to your question (infinite and whimsical knowledge...someone's looked at my senior yearbook. "Voted Most Likely to Use His Infinite and Whimsical Knowledge to Cause the Big Chicken Incident, be sentenced to an Advice Column, and Maybe Take Over The World" ...our yearbooks were written by fortune-tellers). Advice to my loyal army of followers: Flattery will get your question answered. You can go to the Cartoon Marketplace on this sorry excuse for a website and look there, and the Links page should have some other places to purchase episodes. I can sell you some... it will only cost you... YOUR ETERNAL SOUL. Plus $24.99 (Canadian) Shipping and Handling. No SODs (Souls on Delivery). No shipping outside of Trolla.


Dear Gorpo,
I could have SWORN I saw you on South Park the other night! Why the heck did you kill Kenny?

Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,
You shouldn't swear, dammit, it's not polite. I killed Kenny because he was annoying me. He said that Orko was the talented one, and that I smell like the mat after Beast Man and Stinkor's wrestling match. Either that or "Mmmph mmm mphmmm mmmhmhmmph mmm mmphm mph". Either way he really just ticked me off. So I killed him. Is that so wrong?


where can i order the cartoons on home video?

Dave.

Dear Dave,
Oy.



"Jmted213@aol.com" writes:
can i buy Masters of the universe toys that are still in the package on the internet? and if so, can you tell me where i can?

Dear Nameless One #2,
Try the Toys Marketplace on this site or eBay. All of them are run by Horde Prime. Or is that Bill Gates? Same difference.


Tis all this week.

Snuffily yours,
Snuffle-Upagus


Well,that's it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"

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