Hi!
I'm
Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great,
who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely
no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway,
I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at gorpo@he-man.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
Dear
Gorpo,
There's this very attractive female that I want to ask out.
Yet, every time I see her, she rolls her eyes and ignores me.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks!
"Bitter in Blacksburg"
Dear
"Bitter,"
I'm sure your a very handsome and intelligent man, so I suggest
grabbing the nearest spellbook and casting a love spell on
her...I think it's "Scribble-dee"...what's that?
Oh, sorry, my little advisor friend, Mr. Frabble, just told
me that most humans aren't able to use magic. Um...well, try
talking to her, and if she still ignores you, make her a Doomberry
Pie. That'll fix her real quick. Oh, be quiet, Mr. Frabble,
or I'll stick you back in your jar!
Hi!
I watch your brother on TV all the time! (I'll bet you hear
that a lot!) I'm hoping you can help me with a problem I have...I
am a SOM (Single Orange Male), a recent immigrant to Eternia.
I have loved a girl back home on Etheria (from afar) for as
long as I can remember. We grew up together in a small village
called Devlan, but she was always too proud to notice me, even
before the bizarre chain of events that gave her her amazing
peacock plumage, and the gift of sight beyond sight. My problem
is, following my unfortunate run-in with the Evil Horde, I have
a metallic head that resembles an elephant! Not that I was a
matinee idol before this, but come on...! I had been working
up the courage to reveal my feelings for this girl, but now
she only sees me as an odd-looking ally, someone who can "pull
it out of the fire," so to speak. Was re-locating to Eternia
the right thing to do? I was hoping to gain some perspective
on my (admittedly unique) situation from a distance, but it
seems that absence has only made my heart grow fonder. Any advice?
Signed,
"Long-Nosed and Lonely"
Dear
"Long-Nosed,"
I do hear that a lot, and though I love my brother very much,
I sometimes want to strangle him because of his success. But
enough of that, I do have advice for you. Much of your problem
is familiar to me...my second cousin Snarf once knew an orange
guy with sight beyond sight, and once I had my own beautiful
face transformed into that of a metal Skrawvannok'psalrxzurgok,
a Trollan beast that looks much like your planet's Pat Sajak.
Needless to say, the girl I loved, the most beautiful in the
land (her name was Buford, by the way) dumped me for Brad
Pitt. I got back at her though...I got her good... I'm so
glad Julia Child showed the world how to cook Doomberry Pie.
And with a bit of cinnamon, it's delish! What's that, Mr.
Frabble? Oh yes, your question. Well, If your beloved can
see anything, than a long-distance relationship should be
nose problem...I mean no problem, and she should be able to
see you for the beautiful person you really are, and not the
cybernetic pachyderm head. And if she can't, a Doomberry Pie
would fix her good! Sneeze...er...see you later.
Mhy
does my boss's dog freak out so bad when you put a big rock
on the floor? It barks and yelps and growls uncontrollably (you
would think that someone was choking the dog to death if you
heard it) until you take the rock from him...Then he just walks
around behind you begging for the rock again...???
Thanks!
Curious
Dear
Curious,
I think the real question is "Why does your boss put
a big rock on the floor in front of his dog?" Why isn't
he working, doing boss-like things like supervising his underlings
and banishing the insolent to the Demon Zone? I think you
should rat on your boss and get him fired, so you can usurp
his position. Now, as for the dog, have you run an analysis
on the rock to ensure that it's not really a Rock Person or
Meteorb? Perhaps the canine senses something. Now, if it happens
to be a Gobotronian Rock Lord, I suggest disintegrating it
immediately. The rock lord, of course, not the dog.
Josh
Boomer asks:
Where does He'Man's sword go when he's Prince Adam?
Well,
you see it's--wait--He-Man is Prince Adam?? OF COURSE!!! I
should have known... they look so much alike! I can't believe
I never suspected it! They just act sooo different...and I
guess that means that his pet, Cringer, is really Battle Cat,
right? And Princess Adora is She-Ra! Wow! Thanks for telling
me that, your invisible "Dear Gorpo" Magic T-shirt
is in the mail. Now, I'm not really acquainted with He-Man
or his newly-revealed secret identity, so I'll let Eternia's
Royal Palace's own Man-Aty-Arms field the question. Duncan?
"Thank
you, Gorpo. Well, Mr. Boomer, the disappearance of He-Man's
sword when he has become Prince Adam is very easily explained
with this simple equation:
I
believe that should answer your question, though I'm still
working on why it makes a 'Sword-being-pulled-from-sheath'
sound when he draws it...that question has kept me from sleeping
for weeks. Back to you, Gorpo."
.......um...well,
thanks for writing, Josh...on to the next question, and hurry!
Brett
writes:
Uh, I feel kinda funny doing this, but here goes. Gorpo, isn't
it true that Orko's original name was Gorpo? (Check the Masters
of the Universe Bible out at Busta Toons page!)
Dear
Brett,
Yes, our parents were very indecisive. They were originally
going to bestow the name Gorpo upon my brother, but they thought
the bame "Gorpo the Great" had too many words starting
with 'g's so they decided on Orko and I was given his discarded
name. I hate my parents, if only I knew how to make Doomberry
Pie before I left for the University of Trolla...
Dear
Gorpo,
I truly hope that you can help me with my problem. My husband
and I are at our wit's end!! My father is an amateur alchemist,
and has gotten this family into trouble before with that water
he got from the Valley of Power a few years back. He and his
"Secret Liquid of Life" nearly got me sacrificed to
the whim of an evil tyrant! Only through the intervention of
He-Man and my then-fiance', Dakon, were things put right. The
last few years have found Dakon and me lost in wedded bliss.
But now, the unthinkable has happened! Our only child has fallen
victim to this madness! What was I thinking when I asked father
to baby-sit little Elmar? When that spare vial of "liquid"
got spilled on my baby, he grew instantly from a two-year-old,
to a full-grown adult!! What's a mother to do?! The enhanced
senses, and the super-speed and agility my Elmar received from
this accident are nice, but I WANT MY BABY BACK! My little Elmar
has taken to following his hero, He-Man, off on his missions
against the forces of evil, armed with a massive "Power
Pincer", whatever that is. This is no job for a two-year-old!!
He has even recently been sighted "out and about"
with a blue-haired Etherian floozy, at least ten times his age
(she's twenty if she's a day!). Even the Sorceress of Grayskull
has been of no help! The only remedy she could find would restore
Elmar's mind, but not his body, to its former youth. I wouldn't
mind going back to changing diapers, but not on something THAT
size! Is there any advice you can lend, Gorpo? Must my husband
and I face up to the fact that we've lost our baby forever?
I'm too young for the "empty nest" syndrome!
Desperately,
M
Dear
"M,"
It sounds like you've got quite a problem, but I think you
need to got your son's permission before reducing him to an
infant. Sure, it's how he's supposed to be, and obviously
how you want him to be, but have you contemplated the positive
side of this? Imagine the money you'll save! You don't have
to pay for bottles, schooling, diapers, 'my first fuzzy underwear,'
or anything that new parents usually complain about!
Dear
"Rahaar,"
If my translation spell worked correctly, you're Panthor,
Skeletor's pet...whatever you are, and Beast Man's been stealing
your food and he gave you fleas. ...If the spell didn't work
correctly, then you're a three-hundred-year-old, one-eyed
midget with a bladder problem. In the first case, you should
tell Skeletor of your problem. If that doesn't work, maul
Beast Man until he looks like raw hamburger meat. If the second
is true, I suggest you find some extra-large diapers and an
eyepatch. Both can be found at "Diapers and Eyepatches
R Us" in the Sands of Time Strip Mall on Eternia.
