Ask Gorpo!
Volume 02: September 7, 1999

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

Dear Readers,
Hello, my loyal army of minions-- er, readers. It's me, your Trollan Interplanetary Advice Columnist, Gorpo. I've got a whole slew of letters for this next article, which is kind of my problem. I get a lot of mail, and because of that, a lot of so-called "spam." Unfortunately, despite my attempts to reply to all the letters I get, some of the questions get deleted. So, to make it easier on me and to ensure that your question is answered, could you please include my name in the subject line of your mails? Thanks, and enjoy this batch of letters.

Dear Keldor,
Ah, four questions. What a great way to start off a new batch of letters. Well, should I number the answers, or just answer them in order... or maybe a bulleted list? What do you think, Mr. Frabble? Oh, who asked you anyway? Stupid frolke. Well, I guess I should tell you that Clamp Champ is not Skeletor, despite what the Eternian tabloids say. I will let you in on a very exclusive secret, though: Clamp Champ is really Billy Dee Williams. Note the same hairstyle... he just shaved the 'stache and pumped up a bit. He still smells like Colt 45. Oh, and that "power pincher?" $9.99 at the Pro Shop. He found it on the clearance rack. Anyway, to answer your second question, the King and Queen do plenty. The King is best known for songs like "Heartbreak Hotel" and "Suspicious Minds," while the more recent Queen made the already-classic "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "We Are the Champions." I hope that answers your question. As for why characters stare blankly at the viewer... ... ...oh! Sorry, I was just busy staring blankly. Your last question puzzles me... the only "Shokoti" I know is Phil Shokoti who owns the barber shop on the corner of 12th and 3rd in downtown Eternos. He looks nothing like Lisa, but does bear a striking resemblance to Alan Alda (Hawkeye from M*A*S*H). Thank you, Keldor, for sending me these questions, and giving me reason to think about limiting the maximum number allowed in one mail. Toodle-oo!

P.S.: I know this great place on Trolla that'll fix your Havoc Staff real cheap. Just look for Swhaf-rao's Magic Store in Fuschal... right next to the Donut shop. You can't miss it.

Thanks,
Horde Trooper #816670469

Dear #8166...7...uh...Trooper,
Well, first, I suppose I should thank you for calling me insightful. Thanks. Next, I have to say, you are incredibly lucky that you weren't programmed to feel pain. If you were, I pity you, and suggest that you shut down that section of your CPU. (Special thanks to Man-At-Arms and Roboto for giving me a crash course in technology to help answer letters like these). Anyway, I think your best bet is to take a vacation. Stop crushing the Etherian peasants and taxing the hope of the righteous for awhile, and lie low. You should consider quitting your job altogether. I'm sure a high-tech construction such as yourself is quite well-rounded and suited for a number of tasks. You may want to... oh, why bore you with my organic suggestions? I'll let Roboto take over from here.

"Hello, my robotic friend. I, with my immense planet-sized mental capacity, have compiled a list of all jobs available on Etheria, cross-referenced with your own design schematics, in a way that will stimulate your challenge circuits and pleasure diodes, and leave your ennui receptors entirely inactive. Allow me to transfer it to you in binary code. 0101000010010000100010000100111000100000100000001001001000100101011... hmm. I could swear it was longer than that. It seems that the only tasks you can possibly perform with any pleasure or challenge are guard duties, combat, and crushing hopes and oppressing those weaker than you. In other words, the only job on Etheria that suits you is Horde Trooper. My new suggestion: Buy plenty of duct tape and an armor repair kit, and be prepared to be destroyed on a regular basis."

Well... I hope that helped. Uh...bye.

Dear "Halfpipe,"
He-Man figures? What is this? I happen to know that He-Man hates figures. You should see him doing his taxes. He screams and curses like a sailor in a flying boat that's rapidly crashing into a Horde galleon. In fact, he's been known to say "math is hard" like another famous blond (who happens to be employed by the same company). Besides that, I don't think you'd be able to get He-Man raw anyway. He prefers to be cooked, as you can tell by his great tan. After another ten minutes on the grill he should be mostly brown with a slightly pink center. Thanks for asking!

Signed,
"Dizzy and Dented"

Dear "Dizzy,"
"Any advice?" HA! Here's a tip: I've always got advice for you. No need to ask. Plenty of advice. And when I don't, I find someone who does! Anyway, your problem is not the first of its kind that I've encountered. Many of my Trollan friends have had difficulties trying to get their loved ones to change their clothes for a number of reasons (one because his girlfriend's clothes smelled like something a Garok tossed up, another because her boyfriend's hat interfered with her radio reception) I think the best advice would be to talk to her. Be completely honest. If she cares about you and your relationship, then she'll understand, and perhaps switch to jeans or tights. If she doesn't, then either break the relationship off, or start wearing a helmet when you go to her house.

Thanx,
From a true fan

Dear "True Fan,"
Oh, He-Man wasn't gone for long. It ended last week. I assume you're talking about his vacation, right? He went hiking in the Mystic Mountains, where he diverted a river or two to irrigate dying croplands. He then went surfing on the Crystal Seas and had a nice relaxing massage from a... uh... "skilled" masseuse in the polar caps of Etheria. He returned on the first day of this week to a huge pile of junk mail on his doorstep and an even... uh... larger pile in Cringer's litter box. Despite the smell in his room, He-Man says he's feeling more relaxed than ever.

Dear "Gizz,"
Well, Battle Cat doesn't really have a battle mode... oh wait, yes he does. I'd forgotten about the surgical enhancements he had on his recent trip to Cybertron. His battle mode is an eighteen-wheeler called "BattleCatimus Prime." Now when he turns back into the "fraidy-cat" Cringer, he's got wheels on his shoulders!

Thank you,
"Tempted by a Fruit and my Lover"

Dear "Tempted,"
You know, I think I saw this on an episode of "Yrrej-Regnirps" (a popular talk show here on Trolla)... "Rebelling Teens Leading Double-Lives and the Sailors with Halitosis and Friuty Singers that love them"... too bad I taped over that one, it'd probably be insightful. Okay... well, you must first be honest with yourself. Look inside and weigh your feelings toward each man. You said you think you love "Eagle," but you flirt with "Beau." This suggests that your relationship with Eagle is more mature and solid, while your relationship with Beau is more playful and friendly, and perhaps more physical-based. In other words, dump 'em both and come to my place. Just say the word and I'll teleport you here... or into the tarpits, but that was a freak accident. Really. Besides, I said I was sorry. See ya soon!