Ask Gorpo!
Volume 03: November 1, 1999

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

Hahahahahahahaha! That little Trollan's computer was simple to break into! All I had to do was hit "Cancel" on the password box! I'm a genius!! With Gorpo's magical Pentium 200, I, Skeletor, am one step closer to destroying that muscle-bound moron, He-Man, and taking Grayskull! Hahahaha! Wait, look, he's got naughty wallpaper! Oooohhh...you can "hunt" me any day, you Silaxian fox. Mrrow!"

"Can we get back to the conquering of the universe, Skeletor?"

"Quiet, woman. This doesn't concern you. Hey! Look at these...heehehe...heeeheheehehe! It's funny to read about other peoples' problems! Hey, why not answer 'em? It'll make me feel superior to laugh at the misfortunes of others."

"That sounds like fun! No it doesn't! Yes it does! No, it doesn't, you moron! Shut up!"

"Someone give Two-Bad his Ritilin."

"But what about the plan?"

"It can wait, Lyn. Like it's going to work anyway."

I have never been what you might call a "nice" person. The tales of my dark deeds are legendary. From turning King Randor into a goat, to helping Dark Dream blot out the sun, you might say I've acquired a "reputation" for evil. I had never really had much problem with this, rather enjoyed the notoriety, actually. But lately, I've discovered that people have been laying all manner of false blame at my feet. Some of the lies circulating about me border on the ridiculous! For example, that chestnut that Skeletor's robot warbird and I are one and the same creature! And that rumor that I am (Ancients forbid!) an EARTHLING by birth, who arrived on Eternia at the same time as Queen Marlena! Preposterous!!

I was wondering if you had any advice as to how I might go about clearing up these inaccuracies about my history and powers. I have considered transforming anyone I catch spreading these wild stories about me into the moss that grows on the underside of rocks, but I am really a very busy woman, and I'm not sure that there are that many rocks on Eternia! Perhaps a simple "Defamation of Character" spell might be of use?

Prove to me that you have some actual worth, unlike that bothersome brother of yours! Give me some advice I can USE!

Sinisterly,
E

Dear "E",
I, Skeletor, shall field this first query! Hahahahahahaha...ha...oh. Well, hmm... let's see... There's my name! Cool. Hmm...these situations seem familiar...King Goat...Dark Dream...wait! Evil-Lyn, have you been writing to this Trollan?

"Well...um...I plead the fifth."

This is Eternia, there is no so-called "fifth."

"Oh. Um...then yes."

And you're not really an earthling?

"No!"

And you don't turn into Screech?

"Of course not!"

Really? And you never have been any of those things?

"NO!"

Weird. Well, my advice is that you be more detailed on your next resume, E. Otherwise, your boss could get the wrong idea. Bye!

---Skeletor

Dear Gorpo,
I write in urgency. I am a palace guard, but despite all this charisma, I am not happy with my life, and have decided to become a Horde Trooper... Hordak pays me more money than King Randor, and plus, I get to see She-Ra. Maybe I might even get to capture her, so that Hordak will reward me. If I had done something good at Randor, all I would get is a medallion. But other things beyond rational and quantitative analysis brings me to confusion. In Eternia, I get to go fishing on my days off, but in Etheria, all I will do is breathe in polution of the fright zone. And my commander will be Grizzlor, if I am lucky enough to make it that high. he is the most beautiful (HELP>) thing there...AAAAH! But Teela, there is a beauty. What do you suggest? Maybe I should just retire and join the fire department...

Dear Salim,
I've never been in sssuch a sssituation. All I know isss that Palaccce Guardsss get beat up a lot lessssss than Horde Troopersss...and Troopersss ssseem to be much more metallic. You may sssee She-Ra once in awhile, but it'sss probably right before she kicksss your ssskidplate. And Grizzlor isss particularly ssstupid and disssgusssting, but no more ssso than that warm-blood, Teela. Her ssskin isss ssso pink and ssscale- lessssss. I much prefer women with more color. Green, or tan, or olive, or sssomething. Yesss. Ssso I sssuggessst that you join the Sssnake Men, and help our empire rissse to itsss former glory! If you refussse, you will die! Or be thrown into tediousss and pointlessssss labor. Or maybe forccced to danccce for our pleasssure on cold nightsss. King Hissssss isss mercccilessssss! Ow! Ow! I think I thpwained mah tongue. Thoot.

---Kobra Khan

Dear Ken,
Bah! Foolish mortal! I can't beleive you'd actually ask about toys! Humans are so strange. Rather than playing with fun things, like "Barbie's Dream Iron Maiden" and "Easy-Bake Housepets," you play with flimsy plastic likenesses of stupid heroic fools like He-Man and She-Ra. "Mystery Figure?" Ha! The only mystery is why people actually get enjoyment from such objects. Your question is not worth my time. However, those idiotic, immature humans on that "Guardians of Grayskull" mailing list can help. I'm sure there's information on it somewhere on this moronic website. I hate you.

---Evil-Lyn

Dear Ken,
He-Man still is a barbarian! He's a total idiot! A Buffoon! A--get away from me, Beast Man!

"Skaw! But you already answered a letter. It's my turn."

Shut up, you flea-bitten furball.

"One of these days I'll do something really bad to you...that'll show you. I'll show you ALL!"

Well, Ken, you fool, He-Man is a stupid, barbaric idiot. And He's muscle-bound. There's no 'contiunuty problem.' And Skeletor is me! Er...I! Um...I'm Skeletor! Really! And Cringer is a pussycat because his mother was a pussycat and his father was a pussycat. Don't you humans know fundamental biology? See, the mother and the father get together and perform a dark and evil spell to create a spawn from their own magic auras, and that spawn kills them and grows up to rule the universe! Hahahaahahahahaahahahaaha! Ahem.

---Skeletor

Palace Guardian *34

Dear Guard *34,
You should go to Hordak. No, stay with Randor! No, Hordak! Randor! Hordak's got the Villa! But Randor has Teela! So? So what? What? Huh? What's going on? You idiot, you made me lose my train of thought! Oh yeah, well I lost mine first! No, I did! Shut up!

---Two-Bad

Delergrgrar Flegenris,
Welggl, I remelgmber the origlginal idelgrglea olf Hlge-Magrgn. Ilgt Wagls scraplgrrlgped becalgulrluse Tglhe stlglory wlgrouldn't trgglransgglagte wegll Igrllgnto agl kigglgrgd's telgllrlglevisgllion shogllgw, agglnd ilglt wggas tglgoo mugllgch ligllgke Clggrognagln thgle Bluggrllarbllgbrbagllgiaggn. Sgllgo, thgllgey magllgrde a negllew stlgglrory thglarlgt'd wllrlglorglk blgleggltter. Agllglnd thgllgat's whgllgat gllgyou sgglaw oglggln telleevgglrglee.

---Mer-Man

Thanx,
Seth

Dear Seth,
Fool! Battle Cat had no name before he became Battle Cat! He was called "fetus"! As for She-Ra and her horse, I don't know what they do in their spare time together, but I'm sure it's unholy.

---Skeletor

"Oh.. crap. I didn't even get my plan started! Um...run away!"

"Grrr... Hey, Gorpo, good thing we got to your computer before they could really do some damage."

"Thanks, Battle Cat. Now I can get back to my mind-numbingly boring community service assignment."

"Hahahaha!"

"That wasn't a joke, He-Man."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Oh, man, they messed with my preferences! And the contrast is all off... this is gonna take forever to fix. Oh well, at least my Silaxian Cigarette Co. "Girl o' the Month" wallpaper's still up. See you later, He-Man. And you too, loyal readers! Well...uh...that's it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"