Ask Gorpo!
Volume 04: December 18, 1999

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

"Uh...could someone pull him out of the punch bowl before he drowns? Oh, thanks Roger. I'm beginning to think that maybe those asylum people were wrong about you. Hey! How many times do I have to tell you that Trollans aren't built for that? Oh, sorry readers, I've got to go...eew...clean that up. Man-At-Arms, would you mind answering the first question?"

"I don't mind at all, Adam."

"Good. Now could someone get me a mop?"

Dear Anthony,
Well, it's quite simple why they don't put He-Man on the air again. See, the variating frequencies of the mechanically-equipped antifragmenting satellite dishes are improperly aligned, pointing at a twenty-three point seven six five five nine repeating angle, rather than the required twenty-three point seven six five FOUR nine repeating angle, directing the wavelengths of the television broadcast wave over the elliptically orbiting satellite linkup network, bouncing the signal off of Olympia Mons on Mars and deflecting it toward the debugging station in the magnetic fields of the South Pole, which floods the broadcast with static and antineutrinos, causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger, and essentially killing all life on the planet. And that's why you don't see He-Man on TV anymore. Or is that why moose lost the ability to fly? I forget. Oh well, I hope that answers your question.

---Man-At-Arms

"H-h-hey, wh-why are y-you transforming? W-we d-d-don't h-h-have to fight S-Skeletor or a-anything."

"You silly cat!"

"What are you--GrRRaaarRRrrRaaAlLLrRR!"

"Now let's go kick some--I mean, answer some letters, Cat!"

"Raaar, sounds good to me, He-Man!"

Dear Sheep,
I HAVE THE POWER! Uh...to answer your question, I mean. Well, you see, Evil-Lyn *was* evil. Very evil. Hence the name. "Evil"-Lyn. It's all very clever, actually. And why haven't you thought about me in years? I mean, I'm a very good-looking guy. I invade many dreams and thoughts, you know. Oh well, I haven't thought about you in years either, so I suppose it all balances out. Come to think of it, I haven't thought about much of anything in years. Weird, huh? Anyway, apparently, after doing some research on Evil-Lyn's Home Page, "Evil-Lyn's Dark Domain of Evil and Torment and Bad Stuff!" It appears that before she became Evil-Lyn she was known as "Lyn," "Snobby-Lyn," "Not-Very-Nice-Lyn," "Downright-Nasty-Lyn," and "Princess Fluffy." She worked for Skeletor because she needed the money. And apparently she works hard for the money. So hard for the money. So you'd better treat her right. Anyway, she has hair in three different spots. Take a guess, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. She was so jaundi...jaun...um...I don't know what that word means. Moving on, she hates me so much because once I ate at the restaurant where she worked as topless waitress, and I only left a 12% tip. She's held a grudge ever since, but it would never have happened if she'd held the mayo instead. I hates mayonnaise. Especially on my spaghetti. She'll only be reformed after wearing a neon orange jumpsuit and working on community service for three hundred hours. And if she was in love with my...er...Adam's father, I never heard about it, but I'm sure mom...uh...the Queen, I mean, will give him the third degree after hearing it. Ha ha ha!

---He-Man

Dear Thomas,
There never was a He-Man/She-Ra soundtrack, but if there had been, it would deserve to be treated just like every other soundtrack, and should know what it's like to be free. That is why I lead the Great Rebellion against the Horde, so humans and animals and soundtracks and rabbits and fuzzy little caterpillars alike can enjoy freedom and the same basic rights entitled to all living creatures, great or small, pretty or ugly, fuzzy or bald, charismatic or Bow, and everything else. So, you see, hurting animals or Soundtracks is wrong, and it's not good to discriminate between them. I love all soundtracks equally, from "Sixteen Candles" to "The Empire Strikes Back" to "Horde Prime Sings Broadway Hits." And that's why I fight against the Horde, so we can preserve the equality of all living creatures and make sure they're treated fairly. So go out and plant a tree and hug some bunnies, and have a conversation with a wall. Walls get so lonely. And remember, if we stick together, we can defeat the Horde, because we may not have super powers or massive armies or weapons of mass destruction, but we do have...uh...well, I was going somewhere with that, but I forget now. Anyway, remember that you have the same rights as everyone else, great and--

"That's enough, dear."

But mom, I'm just answering a letter!

"I know, and it's time for your Ritalin, so sign the letter and let someone else have a turn."

Oh, okay. Bye.

---Princess Adora.

Dear Fred,
The answer is quite simple, my good man. When the site reaches one million hits, all chaos will break loose and unequivocably destroy mankind. Eventually, the force of the website's newly-awakened sentience will create enough energy that it will collapse in upon itself and draw the universe inside of it, compressing all of existence into something the size of a pin's point. Or, apparently, the size of your puny, feeble brain. Humans... one day I'll show you! I shall have my revenge, my plans are coming to fruition, and the time of my triumph is close at--

"Ram-Man, are you writing that?"

Dah, no, He-Man, I'm ah...just uh...saving Man-At-Arms' seat. He went to dah, go get a Pepsi One.

"That sounds like Duncan, all right! I'll talk to you later, Rammy."

Simpering fool. I will show him, I'll show them all! And soon...very soon, the world will come crawling to my springy legs! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

"What are you laughing at, Ram-Man?"

Dah, just a Garfield cartoon I read.

"Oh. Okay."

--Ram-Man, your future lord and master

Dear Jim,

I really don't see the point of writing this. My planet-sized brain is being wasted on this futile, menial task. "Roboto, open the door" "Roboto, pick up that paper" "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"...I've heard them all a million times. The lack of intelligence around here is enough to make me want to vomit. But I have no mouth, only this orange beak. Oh, the pain continues. Like the pain in my malfunctioning servos. That mental midget Man-At-Arms can make an interdimensional transporter from three breadsticks and a cheese log, but he never has the time to oil my servos. Oh, the pain of it all, there's absolutely no point to my existence. I just depress people. I should have been deactivated years ago, but *no*, the pain could never end. There isn't a quick finale for me. Oh, yes, your query. It's quite stupid, and I see no point in even paying attention to it. And you need better grammar. But there's no point in my telling you that, you don't care. No one cares what I have to say, I'm just a lowly robot.

--Roboto, who doesn't even see the point of signing his name. The pain continues.

Dear Chrizzz,
Well, you zzzee, we already tried that bzzzz. But Man-At-Armzzzizzz machine exploded zzzzzz, and He-Man didn't get new abilitiezzz, juzzzt a bad razzzsh, bzzzzzzizzzeeezz. He called himzzzelf Zzzuper He-Mannnnzznzzzn for awhile, but got zzzued for copyright infringement, zzzz. And Zzzzzzkeletor juzzzt laughed at the bzzzzzz big red "Szzzz" they painted on hizzz bzzzzz chezzzt. Then King Hizzzzzzzzz zzzzz came to town, but only for the weekend, zzzzz. He had zzzome coffee and left for good. Thankzzz for zzzee idea, though.

--Buzz-Off

--He-Man

Wel,that's it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"