Ask Gorpo!
Volume 05: January 4, 2000

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

Dear KMPmills,
MOTU? What is this MOTU? Is it anything like the Dukes of Hazzard? Mmmm... Daisy Duke... oh, wait... all capitals... that must mean it stands for something! It's initialses! Let's see... um... Many Old Tibetan Umpires? Mustard On Tired Uvulas? Moldy Orange Tiny Underwear? Multiple Org--what do you mean "we can't say that on this site," Mr. Frabble? Oh, okay. Well, that dumb Frolke-in-a-jar says that "MOTU" stands for "Masters of the Universe," and for info on what sites have "Masters of the Universe" downloads, ask one of the moronic bumbling humans who runs He-Man.org. Do I look like a 'links' page to you? I didn't think so. I haven't looked like that since college, but that was just experimentation. It was one time! ONE TIME! Why can't you just let me forget about it?!!! WHYYYYYYY? Oh, ahem. Anyway, I know what jaundice is, it was that muscle-bound boob He-Man who didn't. I ought to know, jaundice was one of the symptoms of the cold I had last week. Of course, Trollan jaundice not only turns you yellow, but red, green, violet, puse, and plaid. Then, of course, your head inflates to roughly the size of Britney Spears's uh... ego... and your ears turn into farm equipment. Glad I could help.

Sincerly,
Sonny Iverson(Ninjor)

Dear Sonny,
Ah, young love. And fan-fic. These things go together like toothpaste and orange juice. I don't know how far Laf., LA is from Franklin, but I imagine that you're probably separated by some sort of dimensional barrier of death, or you would've just written her or something. By the way, it's never tactful to display affection at a funeral. Believe me, I know from experience. Buhla was not happy. And neither was her cousin. Ew, I never should've done that... but in my defense, I was drunk, and she looked so calm and peaceful...

Anyway, I suppose you could always send her an anonymous Doomberry Pie-Gram and then come to her rescue as she fades from existence. That'll sink her for sure... unless you're like the last guy I gave that advice to. How was I supposed to know he didn't have tear ducts? Well, then again, you could call her and tell her, but that's not very dramatic. Figure something out that involves explosions, and you're set.

Dear Randal,
You're 17? Congratulations! Well... MOC... more initials, huh? Hmm... Mr. Frabble has no idea, and why you'd want a 1982 He-Man is beyond me. I'd like to put the days when he had a pink-and-green "Flock of Seagulls" haircut and dressed in leather and wore one white sequined glove behind me. The thought of that neon blue eye-shadow he had still sends chills down my shirt. Well, I could get you hooked up, but Frosta's booked straight through next month, so you may want to contact the insipid humans that run this website. Thanks for writing! And stuff!

Dear Alexandra,
Well, I do believe that everything on Eternia was Y2K-compliant. Of course, they had their year 2000 a long time ago, when their most advanced technology consisted of two rocks and a moldy piece of tree bark. They called it "Two Rocks and a Moldy Piece of Tree Bark Day," as a matter of fact. Basically, it consisted of two rocks and a moldy piece of tree bark. Until the wind picked up and blew the piece of tree bark away, which caused the tribal guys to go "oooh" and "aaaah" and "Og hit me again," and do the dance of rivers, which would please their gods, and run for many nights on Broadway. As for Adam and Adora's swords, they're working better than ever, and they can cut through tomatoes, tree stumps, and even metal pipes. You can have your very own set for the low low price of $599,999.95! Order now, operators are standing by! Really -- we couldn't afford chairs, they're just standing there with phones.

What? No! You can't sit down! So stop your whining.

FRA-ZAPPA-ZAPPP!

I don't care about Squirtle's homosexual tendencies you little yellow rat! This is an advice column, not a translator service! Oh, sorry readers, I was getting a little annoyed by that. Of course, you would be too if your brother owned all the cards and sent you tapes from the show on a regular basis. He even sent me a Pokemon toilet seat cover... I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that. Anyway, once... er... if this little guy wakes up, someone tell him to learn a different word. Like the word "me". Then he'll sound like every date I've ever had.

Well, I've got a little time before I have to be back on Trolla... I wonder if those foxy Cerulean chicks are free for some Poke-lovin', Gorpo style! G'night readers, happy new year!