Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the
Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with
absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor).
Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at gorpo@he-man.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
Dear
Gorpo,
I'm a boy who would love to travel to other countries, but the
plane tickets are so expensive!! Does Gwildor have any more
of those cosmic keys left? How much does one cost?
Signed,
Jeg har krafteeeen!! (I have the power!!)
Dear
Jeg Har,
Yes, travelling to other countries is expensive for you primitive
Earth mortals. Rather than just teleporting yourself to your
destination or flying there in a hijack--er, borrowed Wind
Raider, you have to take 'mass transit.' Your planes are airborne
death traps, and I don't see how such huge and clumsy machines
can actually stay in the air. I won't have any part of them.
Except the stewardesses. Gwildor does have some cosmic keys
left, but they're going fast...
"Come
one, come all, to CRAZY GWILDOR'S HAPPY-HAPPY FUN COSMIC KEY
SHOP! I'm cutting the prices in half, and in half again! Hahahahahahahaha!
No more bulky Jet Sleds or spontaneously exploding Wind Raiders!
Come on down to CRAZY GWILDOR'S! Why am I doing this? Weren't
you paying attention? Because I'm CRAZY!
Hey
Yo gorpo
who has the rights for MOTU, POP and Bravestarr right now? Was
there ever a He-Man/Bravestarr crossover episode? Was there
ever a He-Man roleplaying game? Well I got to go the master
is calling.
The
Beastman
Dear
Yo Beastman,
I assume the Masters of the Universe own their rights, She-Ra
owns her right, and Bravestar owns his right. I assume they
all own their lefts too. What, do you think anyone would lend
a hand to He-Man? Well, there was that one time with Sweet-Bee,
but that's not what I'm talking about. There was a He-Man/Bravestarr
crossover, but it was an after-school special, with Matthew
Broderick as Bravestarr and that kid from Doogie Howser as
He-Man. The moral was to always floss your toes after swimming.
What a tear-jerker. He-Man once did some roleplaying with
Frosta. She was a French Maid and he was a muscle-bound superhero.
I've got it on tape if you want to see it.
Dear
Gorpo,
This is Mosquitor here. I am just writing to say how much I
hate your stupid cousin Orko, he is incredibly annoying and
always pops up and annoys me. When you next see him, tell him
that Mosquitor is looking for him to drain his blood. Also tell
him that even Gwildor is less annoying. And you're welcome to
shoot him before I suck his blood, as well.
Yours
hating Orko-ly,
Mosquitor
Dear
Mosquitor,
Mosquitor, Mosquitor, Mosquitor. Did you leave the hospital
again? They're just trying to help you. Remember, blood-sucking
is a problem, not the solution. You have to admit you have
a problem. Only then can the healing begin.
Mekaneck
writes:
I really don't have anything to say. I just thought that maybe
I would be a little bit cooler by writing to you. You are Orko's
relative after all. That Orko sure is amazing isn't he? We all
love Orko. Anyways, see ya Gur... Gorb... Oh, whatever your
name is.
Regards,
Mekaneck
Dear
Mekaneck,
Okay, that's it, I'm sending Mosquitor after you. Prepare
to be sucked, giraffe-boy. And not in the good street-corner
way. All those who praise my brother must die. Or at least
be maimed. But maimed severely. Oh yes.
Dear
Gorpo,
I have a huge problem. I was just walking home from school when
I was attacked! I looked up and saw a strange man with a skull
face, a three eyed guy, and some furry dude. I was in trouble
so I kinda stole He-Man's Power Sword. I was gonna give it back.
Honest! But I got a little side tracked. I really need your
help! I saw a portal open outside my window the other day. Then
a huge-muscled man riding a tiger came crashing through my wall.
Gorpo was I wrong to steal the sword? Anyway, help me out 'cause
now I'm stuck in a dungeon that smells pretty strange. Maybe
you could talk some sense into He-Man, Teela, Man-at-Arms, Ram-Man,
or even Battle Cat. *Oww, stop poking me with that spear, oww
ow. Quit it!*
Sincerely,
Justin J. *oww* *ouch*
P.S. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!
Dear
Justin,
Gee, that sounds like a pickle. But I don't see why you stole
the Power Sword to fight off Lenny, Bill, and Jim. They're
really nice guys once you...what, Mr. Frabble? Oh, sorry,
you were talking about Skeletor and his minion guys, weren't
you? Oh, then I see why you did that. Well, I'm sorry to hear
about your imprisonment, but no one can talk sense into He-Man,
Teela, Man-At-Arms, and most certainly not Ram-Man. I'll try
to spring you myself, but you must first pledge eternal allegiance
to me. Bwahahahahaha! Oh yeah, you'd better avoid that funny-smelling
place. They haven't gotten a chance to clean it since Beast
Man was in there last week. Eeeeeew.
Gorpo,
Do you know of a place that sells episodes of He-Man, ThunderCats,
Blackstar, Bravestar, Dungeons and Dragons, M.A.S.K., and Thundarr
the Barbarian cartoons. I would love to have a few episodes
of my old favorites. Please let me know if you know of any place.
Thanks,
Zak
Dear
Zak,
The only place I know of to buy those cartoons is Crazy Gwildor's
(see above), but I know there's other places, you just have
to do some looking. And stop asking me! What do I look like,
an advice columnist? Oh yeah, the chicken thing. Right. Well,
um, thanks for the question. Or something.
Tina
Writes:
Can you tell me of ANY place that I can find He-Man boxer shorts?
My boyfriend is dying for a pair & I'm desperately trying
to find them. Please help me if at all possible.
Thanks,
Tina Gray
Dear
Tina,
He-Man's boxer shorts? Well, first of all, He-Man wears furry
briefs, and you wouldn't want those anyway, they're probably
much too small. And dirty. That man never washes anything,
he just keeps wearing that same vest and those same briefs
every day. It's quickly becoming unbearable to stand next
to him. Now when he fights Skeletor, everyone else has to
stand downwind. Even Stinkor can't stand it. *Sniff Sniff*
uh-oh, here he comes now. See ya.
Evelkat@aol.com
writes:
dear gorpo,
do you know where I can find a list of how much money i can
get for He man action figures that are in good conditon?
Dear
Evelkat,
I know everything! I am ultimate! I am supreme! I know proper
grammar and spelling! And you are beneath me, puny grammar-lacking
mortal! I am your master! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You
will bow to me and scrub my hat, and kiss the air where my
feet would be! And I haven't a clue where you could find a
list of yadda yadda yadda whatever good condition. Go sell
'em on eBay.
Or
give them to me, and I shall turn them into my unholy plastic
5 1/2 inch army of the night!
Well,that's
it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems
(and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"
