Ask Gorpo!
Volume 10: June 21, 2000

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

dear gorpo-

you seem angry. are you angry? if so, why are you angry? is there anything we, your fans, can do to help?

your friend-
duluth

ps- do you need a hug?
pps- keep in mind i am a beautiful lady.

Dear Duluth,
I tend to be angry. See, it all starts out with fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side, the Dark Side leads to a horrible community service ruling that says you have to write an advice column for morons. That's right, I said morons. Believe me, dealing with idiots on a daily basis isn't my idea of fun. It's cruel and unusual punishment. The High Justice Council of Justice's Cruel and Unusual Punishment Department ought to get a medal or a plaque or something for this. You, my fans (and there damn well better be huge legions of you, you punks), can help by coming up with new and interesting ways of taking over this planet. And the other planets. Pretty much the whole universe, actually. Except Britain. I've heard it's a bore. And I can't stand Cricket. But I could sure use a hug, especially if you're a beautiful lady. And especially if it's one of those 'special' hugs. You know what I mean.

Dear Nameless One,
Wow, a guy after my own heart. Or some other important organ. Anyway, all o' them foxy Eternian ladies look alike 'cause they've all got the same plastic surgeon. Except Teela. Oh yes, she's all real.

endowedly yours,
the real Ram-Man

Hey Ram-Man, yes you're the real Ram-Man, all the other Ram-Men are just... uh, Ramitating... Um...sorry, my Trollan radio reception went out and I ended up with some Earth station. Rest assured, I've "taken measures" with all those responsible for that song. I'm quite familiar with your work, and Ram-Guy is most certainly a loser. Anyway, the Ram-Man we often mention is a 'hero' here, who pretends to be slow-witted, while plotting a conquest of the planet. Unfortunately for him, constantly hitting things with his head for the past twenty-something years has damaged his brain, and he doesn't realize it. So, every one of his plans to take over the world is even worse than Hordak's ("Let's get giant robots to destroy flowers! That'll show those rebels!"). Anyway, I have no problem with you kicking his ass, but according to Frosta, he has earned his name... ugh. Anyway, I'll pass the message along, look for a short guy in a big helmet outside Naughty Little Pixie Studios soon. Oh, by the way, when's your next film coming out? I can't wait!

A few weeks ago, I was just walking around. Finally, my way ended at Orko's home. I thought "Hell, why not just talk a little bit with him?" and knocked at his door. But nobody opened me. So I watched through the window and there I saw Orko. And Snout Spout! And Snout Spout had his...um...snout under Orko's robe! Please, kill them! Damn, I poked even three weeks later! Kill them! Kill Orko and Snout Spout and take over Eternia! Besides, I believe, years ago, Keldor saw a similar scene, ivolving Randor and his long-time secret girlfriend Gwildor. Watching at this, Keldor went crazy, ripped his face off and became Skeletor.

An Eternian Servant, who saw too much

P.S.: Kids, never watch through windows (I mean you, Ram Man!)

Dear An, Wow, that's even worse than the time I walked in on Battle Cat and Katrina. Fur all over the place, kitty litter on the walls... disgusting. Anyway, the Keldor thing is a myth, an old urban legend. Keldor actually just got real pissed when his mom bought Randor a toy truck, and forgot about him, so he drank a bunch of paint thinner, and his face sort of melted off. Then he died. Oh, Skeletor's no relation. I don't know how that runor got started. As for Ram-Man, I don't think he needs to watch through windows... hell, he has all o' them naughty little pixies to take care of him.

Dear Jason,
You are an idiot. Pigs have curly tails because...everyone loves a slinky, everyone loves a slinky, it's slinky, it's slinky, go, Slinky! Go! Oh...yes...anyway, so to answer your question, they have curly tails because evolution wanted an animal that was fun to drop down the stairs. And do unto others as their casa es su glitters is not a bird in the bush. Or something.

The sword bearer

Dear sword,
Sounds like a classic case of Sibling Rivalry. The best thing to do in this case is to nurture your sister's evil side. If you don't, she could end up exploding while trying...to take over... the universe...I'm sorry, it's just that...this topic hits so close to home. My own little sister, the one our family denies ever having, and they all continue to insist was just a horrible nightmare I had after eating too much Gdsjgo'igf'ikfj-lovers pizza before bed, went evil, and we tried to stop her, but she tried to take over the universe, and blew up. Then Queen Victoria floated by, and refereed the mus-wrestling match between Katrina and Frosta, and the sky turned into a big orange kite, and I ate the biggest marshmallow in the world. Then, after someone had obviously wiped my memory of the intervening time, and disposed of all evidence of my sister, I woke up, and my pillow was gone! Anyway, just be a loving brother, and stay out of her way. Maybe she'll even make you a lackey... then you'll be livin' the high life.

Ryan Burton

Dera Ryan, Hey, you watch MTV and you're an idiot! I never would have guessed!

Late for work

Dear Late,
No one ever said Skeletor was smart. But, you see, it's not Eternia that's backwards...it's Earth. Eternians were developing the things you consider hi-tech when your people were still living in trees, picking ticks off each other. (Actually, some of you, like my best pal Ryan up there, still do. Strange but true!) Hasn't it occurred to you that Eternia is a lot more advanced than your pathetic mudball? I mean, they not only have magic resources, but also clean fuel, hovercraft, space travel, Tony Danza, energy weapons... these are the things your people only dream about. Skeletor considered conquering Earth once, but one look at it, and he burst out laughing. And decided not to waste his resources.

Cheers Bro, Aaran M

Dear Bro,
Don't wonder about Man-At-Arms' finger. Especially not after -- ugh, you don't want to know what dark recesses that thing has probed. And I'm glad you were never sore again in the shops... it's a bad place to be sore in. That one time that I was sore in the shops it ruined my entire day. The name of that red spider thing with 2 heads was called The Two-Headed Red Spider Thing. Cheers was a good show, but I can't help wondering what Ted Danson would be doing if it had gone on just a few more years. Certainly not "Becker"... eeeew. Lord, you people have bad taste.

vito

Hey vito,
Everybody sounds like a pussy while speaking French. I hate the French.

Wondering,
Olivia

Dear Olivia,
Ah, yes, another loyal follower. You people are what keep me doing this column. Oh, and those big muscular thugs the High Council of Justice and All That Stuff employs. As for Sunder's relationship with Double Trouble: No, Sundar is a good, decent man. Mally, on the other hand, often comes over at night, and we "talk" for hours. Sometimes the "talking" gets so intense that the people in the apartment above start banging on the floor to get us to quiet our "talking." Personally, I like it when Mally "talks" with her mouth full. Ahem

Well,that's it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"