Gorpo
here. Greetings fans...I'm back for another bout, five rounds
and
my promoter gets fifteen thou while I get to cut my eyelid.
But enough about
that...on to the questions!
"ph6" writes:
Dear Gorpo,
still the most magnificent being any sun ever shone on,
I thought we agreed you setting me up with your sister. Did
I collect all that unimaginable wealth for you for nothing?
Dear ph6,
Unfortunately, yes. My sister has run off with a carnival
performer, I'm afraid. Or at least, that's what she told me
to tell you.
"Dr. Omega" writes:
A friend of mine lives in an Eternian Apartment complex and
is having a real problem with all the stray green tigers that
hang around the complex. The males keep spraying to mark turf,
the females howl all night long and the hairball clean up
has the maintainance workers working overtime. What can be
done about this problem?
Dear Dr. Omega,
I know of only one solution - fire, and lots of it.
The creatively named "nathan" writes:
Dear Gorpo,
My wife has a new found addiction to chat rooms. Can you go
in there and scare the mess out of her? I wanna get back on
the computer....
Dear
nathan,
What do I look like, a freelance bio-exorcist? I can recommend
a friend though - name's Betelgeuse. Say it loud and there's
music playing; say it soft, and it's almost like praying.
Say it again and all hell breaks loose.
"He-Lurker" writes:
Dear Gorpo,
What do you think about those new Samurai He-Man action figures?
Are they based on any real Eternian legend or are they just
funny costumes Man-at-Arms made as a joke? Any info on this
debacle would be great. Thanks!
PS:
How does your outfit stay so purple?
Dear
HL, Mattel
has apparently chosen to make a number of figures based on
the infamous Royal Halloween Party of '98. Along with the
samurai figures, you can expect to see "Projectile-Vomiting"
Ram Man and "Drunken Flirt" Deluxe Teela, who will
emit a number of electronic phrases sure to bring a blush
to the cheeks of even the most filthy-minded of children.
As
for the purple costume, it's all in the detergent, my friend.
"Granamyr" writes:
Dear Gorpo,
What are your feelings regarding Dragons? Too scaly? Always
hungry? Would you want one as a pet? Best friend?
Dear
Granamyr,
My feelings regarding dragons is that they are old, grumpy,
have an inflated sense of superiority and wear ridiculous
horned helmets.
"Kafos" writes:
Greetings Gorpo. I am Kafos, pleasure to meet you. I am in
need of advise,and maybe you will be the one to give it oh
wise one.
I
am a married man, and of course I am the King of the castle.
Trouble is, my wife has yet to figure that out. Every Thursday,
she gets her girl friends to come over to MY house to get
together and chew the fat. Now, I have no problem with this,
BUT when I go out at night with my buddys for a few beers,
the girl goes nuts! So I guess she thinks she can have get
togethers with friends, but not I! *Sigh*
So
Gorpo, do you have any advise? Should I trade this one in?
Dear
Kafos, I
like your obsequious tone, my friend. You shall go far. But
to answer your question, yes, I suggest you trade this one
in and get a newer model, one with better options and no payments
for at least a year.
"Lord
Skeletor" writes:
Yeah
I got a question for you.
Where's
that money you owe me? Seriously, I better get paid back and
soon oryour parole officer is going to recieve an anonymous
call.
This
is the last time I help you out of your gambling debts. Next
time you loose big at those Eternian casinos you are on your
own.
Sincerely,
Lord
Skeletor
This advice column is over! Move along, nothing
to see here!
Well, that's it for this week, folks. Tune in next month,
when hopefully I'll have even more advice - if I haven't been
roughed up by LS's thugs...
