"The
Amazing Power of the Devil Spork"
By Matt (He-Ro) and Adam Tyner
(I feel silly calling him He-Man, because then
it would sound like I was talking to the cartoon character...or
Dolph Lundgren, but he's not in the story...well, wait a minute,
maybe he's in part --)
Adam
(the cartoon one): Shut up, you!
The
first part: Part 1 (one)
We
see a beautiful portrait of Eternia. The scene changes to
Eternos. Now to the Royal Palace. We pan around some, then
look at the people in the room. They are doing things. Interesting
things. But, of course, I won't describe them because that
would be cheating.
Man-at-Arms
(to Adam): We must stop Skeletor! He-Man!
Adam:
You moron. You just gave away my secret. I hate you. And that
hat.
Man-at-Arms:
(Hits himself on the head repeatedly) I'm sorry, He-Man. Will
you forgive me? What did I just say? Who are you?
He-Man
(I mean Adam): No. We're putting you in a nursing home, you
senile old man.
*
Man-at-Arms is placed in nursing home *
Adam
(the other one): Glad we got rid of him.
Adam:
Hey!
Adam:
Stop it!
Adam:
What?
Adam:
What's going on?
Adam:
...oh, shut up, you!
Adam
(this is still the other one): Okay. I'm sorry.
...Now,
returning to a plot of some sort...
Man-at-Arms:
We must stop Skeletor! He-Man!
Adam:
You moron. You just gave away my -- wait, hasn't this happened
already? Aren't you supposed to be in a nursing home?
Man-at-Arms:
Yes.
Adam:
Then why are you here?
Man-at-Arms:
I don't know. Oh wait, I'm Skeletor! You fools! I like saying
that!
Skeletor
(not as Man-at-Arms anymore, so he gets his own dialogue line
-- but the first one really was Man-at-Arms...so the second
one is really Skeletor and --)
Adam:
Shut up, you! I'd better go run and hide somewhere since I'm
so irresponsible and lacking of courage!
Randor:
That boy, what an irresponsible and courage-lacking young
man. What did I just say? Hey, who are you?
*
Randor is put in a nursing home *
Marlena:
But --
*
Marlena is put in a nursing home, too *
*
Man-at-Arms, Randor, and Marlena repeatedly tell each other
old stories that never happened about people that never existed
*
...Returning
yet again...
*
Adam goes to change into He-Man *
Cringer:
<bitch moan and bitch some more>
Adam:
Shut up, you! For the honor of Graysk --
Cringer:
Wrong line, moron.
Adam:
Don't make me --
Cringer:
Yeah, I can take you. What's up now? Huh?
Adam:
I hate you.
Cringer:
Yeah, bite me, pink girly girl.
Adam:
By the power of Grayskull...I HACE THE POWER!
Cringer:
Have...
Adam:
HACE THE --
Cringer:
Have...
Adam:
HAVE THE POWER!!
*
zap *
*
Adam is killed since he was holding up a large metal object
in a thunderstorm *
Adam
(the dead one): I'm dead!
Cringer:
Good. I've always hated you.
Adam:
Shut up, you!
Cringer:
You're supposed to be dead.
Adam
(no longer dead): Well, I'm not. <sticks out his tongue>
Cringer:
Do the damn transformation.
Adam:
Let me try again.
*
Adam does his schpeel *
Cringer
(I mean Battle Cat now): Let's go eat people!
He-Man
(still not dead): No. Dat's mot whut be do!
Battle
Cat: What's with the head cold? This is the cartoon continuity,
not the movie version.
He-Man
(with a head cold): But whut bout whut Baddhew Bardin said?
It's awl bun contibuty!
Battle
Cat: Huh?
He-man
(blows his nose): I said, "But what about what Matthew Martin
said? It's all one continuity!"
Battle
Cat: Oh. Well, moving along...
He-Man
(sinus-blockage-free): I hate you.
Battle
Cat: WELL, MOVING ALONG!
He-Man:
Are you still reading this? Jeez, you have a high tolerance
level.
Battle
Cat: We have to get to a part about Skeletor!
...To
be continued... (no, not that!)
Part
2: The next thing
I've
resumed a few pages later then when I left off last. I figured
it'd be better that way.
Skeletor:
You fools! I like saying that!
Beast
Man: Skaw!
Skeletor:
You always make that noise! Do you have bronchitis or something?
Beast
Man: Skaw!
Skeletor:
Oh, screw it.
Skeletor:
Skaw! (Oh wait, that's Beast Man)
Beast
Man: Skaw!
*
Strongarm enters *
Skeletor:
Who the hell are you?
Strongarm:
I was that one guy who -- um...nevermind.
*
Strongarm exits *
Skeletor:
cackle
Trap
Jaw (who is here too, but just wasn't mentioned up until now):
Why are you cackling?
Skeletor:
Because, you tin ninny, I have a new plan to destroy He-Man
forever! (he cackles some more)
Skeletor
(the same one, but with another dialogue line for no reason
whatsoever): With the power of the Amazing Devil Spork, no
one, not even that simpering fool He-Man will be able to stop
me! (cackles)
...To
be continued in Part 3 (which will be longer than Part 2,
because Part 2 was a short scene and I felt it had lived up
to its humor quota and...
Adam
(the cartoon one): Shut up, you!
THE
THIRD PART: SECTION III, in which we travel back to the Royal
Palace...
(Cut
to the same shot of the palace they always show)
...where
Orko is being a tiny little bastard again.
Orko:
Hey, Prince Adam!
Prince
Adam: Hello! Orko!
Man-at-Arms
(working on a tank): Get the hell out of my lab, Orko, you
little bastard! I'll kill you if it's the last thing I --
Orko:
Let me help you with that! (turns the tank into a salmonella-rich
bowl of Malt-O-Meal brand "Toasty-O's")
(stock
footage of Prince Adam laughing)
Adam:
Haw haw haw!
Man-at-Arms:
That wasn't funny, dammit! I've been working on that for months!
(Prince
Adam is still laughing)
Orko:
Weren't you in the --
Man-at-Arms:
I escaped.
Zoar:
Sqwawk and sqwawk some more!
Prince
Adam: Uh-oh buddy, looks like we're needed at Castle Grayskull!
Cringer:
(moans and bitches) Didn't we do this already? Are we friends
again?
Adam:
Oh...yeah, I guess we had some character descrepancies in
the first part.
Cringer:
Oh well, who doesn't?
*
They transform and stuff and go to Grayskull *
At
Castle Grayskull, a castle that is more of a Forest Green
color than Gray. Silly Mattel...
Sorceress:
Eternia is in grave danger, He-Man!
He-Man:
No shit.
Sorceress:
Skeletor has gained the mighty power of the Amazing Devil
Spork!
He-Man:
The wha?
(Boring
exposition about the Amazing Devil Spork.)
Sorceress:
So, as you can see, you are Eternia's only hope!
He-Man:
Okay.
(Back
at the palace)
Skeletor:
Ha! The palace is mine! (cackles)
He-Man:
Not while I'm around, bonehead!
Skeletor:
He-Man! (cackles)
Beast
Man: Skaw!
He-Man:
Where are the rest of your henchmen, bonebreath?
Skeletor:
Beast Man is here...and the Amazing Devil Spork! (cackles)
He-Man:
Take this, bone...ah...bone...hmm...well, I can't think of
another insult with the word "bone" in it right now, but if
I had one, it would be good!
(Stock
footage of He-Man punching camera)
*
Cameraman collapses and dies *
Beast
Man: Skaw!
Skeletor:
(cackles) The Amazing Devil Spork will take care of you!
(More
of the same stock footage of He-Man punching camera)
*
Another cameraman dies tragically *
Skeletor:
(cackles) Wait a minute. What did you do to my precious Amazing
Devil Spork, He-Man? I'm going to teleport away now. (teleports,
cackles)
Orko:
Looks like he "spork" too soon! (everybody except for Man-at-Arms
laughs)
*
Man-at-Arms runs over Orko in a tank (or contracts salmonella
poisoning from the salmonella-rich bowl of Malt-O-Meal brand
"Toasty-O's" -- Adam and I couldn't decide) *
