Just
when you think sequels just have more killing, more celebrity
cameos, and more nudity, it's...
"The
Amazing Devil Spork II: Evil is Always Coming Back Again and
Again, and Even When You Think It's Gone, It Comes Back One
More Time"
...to
prove you right!!!
By
that insufferable Dynamic Duo: Matt (He-Ro) and Adam
This
story is copyrighted, so if Mattel ever uses this, we can
make big bucks! $$$$!!! Whee!
TO
MATTEL: USE THIS ILLEGALLY! WE NEED MONEY!
PROLOGUE
The
midnight air has lots of energy.
PART
ONE
Lots
and lots of energy.
PART
DEUX
I
mean LOTS.
PART
3
To
get the full scope of just HOW much energy there is, you could
go up to someone and say, "Hey, there's a lot of energy in
the air," and the someone would say, "Wow, I was just thinking
the same thing!" and then you would babble on about just how
much energy there is for a half hour or so, but by that time
we'd all be asleep and no one would read any further -- so
I killed both of you to save us time. Rude bastard, this IS
my story, after all, how can you go about talking about the
energy --
Adam
(the cartoon one): Shut up, you!
Right.
Anyway, there is energy. This is caused by a dimensional rift,
which was in turn caused by...
Skeletor:
Hi!
Keeper
of Dark Stuff: uh... hello
Skeletor:
I believe you have a ...package... for me... cackle
Keeper
of Dark Stuff: Sign here...
Skeletor:
Okay
Keeper
of Dark Stuff: ...and initial here...
Skeletor:
Sure
Keeper
of Dark Stuff: ...and touch me right here...
Skeletor:
Oka-- hey, is that really necessary?
Keeper
of Dark Stuff: Well, it's always worth a try. Here's your
damn package. By the way, I dropped it on the way here.
Skeletor:
Bastard! Ever since UPS went out of business... and this wasn't
insured, either...
*Skeletor
greedily opens it up*
Evil-Lyn
(who was here the whole time but cleverly written out ...until
NOW!): I see you ordered a lamp [note from authors: of the
genie variety, not the luminating kind] off of eBay.
Skeletor:
cackle
Beast
Man: Skaw!
Evil-Lyn:
Um... okay, anyway, what are you going to do with it?
Skeletor:
With this lamp I will resurrect ...THE DEVIL SPORK!!!! cackle
*Dramatic
music plays*
Evil-Lyn:
The Devil Spork!
*Dramatic
music plays*
Skeletor:
Yes ...the AMAZING Devil Spork!!!
*Dramatic
music plays*
Beast
Man: Skaw!
*Dramatic
music plays*
*Skeletor
fires a blast and the orchestra is reduced to a flaming mass
of charred, twitching musicians*
Skeletor:
I hate talented people.
Tri-Klops:
Are you going to rub the lamp?
Skeletor:
Of COURSE I'm going to rub the lamp, you brainless three-eyed
frea--
Tri-Klops:
Hold up, I'm scrolling down the rest of the story, and I don't
see any more lines for me. What, is that it? 'Are you going
to rub the lamp?' I may be an evil henchman, and I may not
be Shakespeare, but I KNOW that that isn't my only line!
Matt:
'fraid so, we had to run some cutbacks, Kloppy. You know,
what with our expenses and all...
*Tri-Klops
begins to storm out*
Tri-Klops:
Expect to hear from my lawyer!!
Matt:
Damn! Now that's three lines... we'll just charge that to
him...
Adam
(the real one): Good idea!
Matt:
Thanks!
Skeletor:
*ahem*
Matt:
Oh, right, back to you guys...
Evil-Lyn:
_Thank you_.
Adam
(not the superhero-identity one... well, there was that one
time...): No problem!
Beast
Man: Skaw!
PART
...um... I think we're up to four.
And
now we cut to the good guys... Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms
are walking in a happy forest in a happy glade with happy
animals and they are skipping, too. Everything is happy. Really,
really happy. Ummm...and the Rugrats are there. And Pikachu
from Pokemon. And a dog. A really happy dog. And Parker Lewis.
And Tootie from Facts of Life. (Matt, who else can we throw
in here?) Oh, Herbie The Love Bug! That'd be pretty funny!
PART
...uh... THIRTEEN! (I cut out the stuff in between)
Ah...
back to the story...
Suddenly,
a portal opened a few yards away, and everyone but Prince
Adam and Man-At-Arms suddenly died a terrible, gory, unspeakable
death. To illustrate just how unspeakable it is, I won't talk
about it. Oh yeah, the guy who played Grandpa from the 3 Ninjas
movies was there, in case I forgot to mention that.
Adam
and Duncan watched nervously as several beings emerged from
the portal.
Quinn
Malory: Is this home? I really hope so. Cause I've been looking
for home for awhile now, and that time that --
Adam
(of the cartoon variety): I am Adam, prince of Eternia and
defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. This is Cringer,
my fearless friend. Powerful secrets were revealed to me when
I held aloft my magic sword and....
Quinn
(the Malory one): -- was a really bad experience. And that
other time that we arrived on Earth 1324, well that was --
Adam
(the one who wears purple spandex): Oh, sorry. I mean, welcome
to Eternia!
Quinn
(of the clan Malory): -- and that... Eternia? I guess this
isn't home. We've been sliding along parallel dimensions,
each dimension being slightly different than our Earth. Y'know,
things are slightly different. Like, in the one we just came
from, Sammy Hagar is still with Van Halen. I think that's
the only difference, but it's a little too much to deal with.
So we left.
Crying
Man: I'm the Crying Man!
Adam:
So you've been travelling along these dimensions for, what,
several seasons now?
Quinn:
Yup
Adam
(the intellectual type): And not a single one has been better
than _your_ Earth?
Quinn:
Well, there was one that was really nice, but then all these
giant wasps took over and devoured the population... other
than that, it was pretty good.
Adam:
Oh.
Quinn:
And Cro-mags
Adam:
What?
Quinn:
Nevermind. So, following in our tradition, there has to be
some major wrong here that needs to be fixed. So, where do
we start?
Adam:
You died in the portal, we just forgot to mention you.
CSM:
Oh.
Adam:
Well, maybe you could help us stop Skeletor! He's been terrorizing
Eternia for a couple of decades. I've never really got the
problem under control because of some rule or something that
I'm supposed to follow... I dunno, I didn't really pay attention
too well when the Sorceress was --
Quinn:
Sounds good to me. Let's go, gang!
SECTION
XIV, part a, verse 1, where we cut to Orko...
Man-At-Arms:
I'M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE, ORKO!!
...who's
being a little bastard yet again.
Orko:
Calm down, Man-At-Arms, it's no big deal!
Man-At-Arms:
No big deal? No big Deal?! No... big... DEAL??!
Orko:
So I ...accidentally... turned you in to the Immigration Department.
No big deal.
Man-At-Arms:
Orko! Do you realize I'm Puerto Rican!??
Orko:
Yeah... well, it's not my fault if you jumped the border from
Mexico... or wherever Puerto Rico is.
(Note:
This is forever after CANON! IT WILL ALWAYS BE CANON! AND
SHALL FOREVERMORE BE... CANON!)
*Immigration
people come in*
Immigration
guy: Duncan Jésus Huertes, you are in violation of law 123413
section 324, paragraph 23, part 4.
Man-At-Arms:
There is no so-called 'part 4'
Immigration
guy: Yeah, I made that part up, but the rest is probably right.
Anyway, you're being deported to India
Man-At-Arms:
India?? I'm Puerto Rican! Send me to Puerto Rico!
Immigration
guy: Well, we looked for it on a map, but we really couldn't
find it, and India is really big and yellowish, so we found
it pretty fast. So that's where you're headed.
Man-At-Arms:
I'll SHOW you where Puerto Rico is!
Immigration
guy: Too late, your camel ride is already booked
Man-At-Arms:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo okay.
*Man-At-Arms
is sent to India, where he becomes a Shaolin monk... or something.
Whatever they do in India [Note: This is canon too]*
Section
XXX (and what was Ram-Man doing during this time?)
Ram-Man:
Yeah, that's right baby, take it all off!
*Ram-Man
takes picture*
Teela:
Are you sure this is right? Morally, I mean?
Ram-Man:
Oh yeah, baby, definitely...
*Ram-Man
takes another picture*
Part
16 ...back to the less pornographic side of life
Skeletor:
Take it all off, baby!
*Takes
picture*
Evil-Lyn:
I love it when you talk dirty.
Skeletor:
Don't you know it, honey!
Part
17 ...Okay, we'll wait a few hours...
Part
35
Beast
Man: Skaw!
Skeletor:
cackle
Skeletor
(same evil guy, new evil line): NOW I SHALL RUB THE LAMP OF
RESURRECTION AND BRING BACK THE DEVIL SPORK!!!! cackle
*Trap
Jaw, in a completely different part of the world, falls in
a lake and his mouth is rusted shut*
Trap
Jaw: Mmmph! Mmh mmph mmmmm hmm mmmh pbhtt!!!
...back
to Skeletor...
*Skeletor
rubs the LAMP OF RESURRECTION*
Genie:
I am TAE-BOR! Master of Tae-Bo®! I run infomercials non-stop
at night!
Skeletor:
That's nice.
Genie:
Heed my warning, mortal! You may be surprised by what you
wish for, and what you wish for may be surprising!!!
Skeletor:
Okay
Skeletor
turns to the audience and in an incredibly poorly acted way,
asks...
Skeletor:
Okay, I give. What's the secret of Thai-Bo, Tae-Bor?
Genie:
There IS no secret, mortal! It's TAE-BO®!!! It can trim your
waistline in a mere 3 minutes!
Skeletor:
Um... yeah, I want the Devil Spork, and if you need to use
Tae-Boo or whatever it's called to help you, feel free.
Genie:
I was on Oprah for a week
*Genie
produces Devil Spork*
Devil
Spork: Oh... hi Skeletor... there's ...things... about me
that have changed.
Skeletor:
What do you mean? I was under the distinct impression that
you were an inanimate object.
Devil
Spork: Well, as should be self-evident from my nipple piercings,
I am in a same sex relationship. Also, I own a dog. And ...uh...
my mom gave me an afghan, which is really pretty and matches
the couch just perfectly.
Skeletor:
So you're saying that you won't help me, I take it.
Devil
Spork: Now, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, hon, but
I'm not like that anymore. I've gone to the good side. Please
try to understand.
Skeletor:
Oh, I understand perfectly. You left my web of evil for homosexuality!
I UNDERSTAND!
Devil
Spork: Now see, this is what I was afraid of. You're just
going to have to deal with it, mister.
*Devil
Spork and genie vanish*
*...then
the LAMP OF RESURRECTION blows up for no apparent reason*
EPILOGUE
On
Etheria...
Sea
Hawk (the cartoon one): No, Bow, leave me alone!
