"Fleas
and Ticks and Ooh That's Nice"
By Matt (He-Ro)
"Ah!
It finally feels good to be able to take a shower this week
after helping all the whiney bastards who live on this god-forsaken
planet," Adam said, as he washed the small insects from his
hair. Suddenly, the Sorceress of Grayskull appeared to him.
"He-Man!
I've -- well, what have we got here..?" she said with a smirk.
"I
told you-- never find me when I'm in here! I can never
have any privacy!" Adam said as he stepped out of the shower
to dry off with a towel. "You can turn around, at least."
"Oh,
yeah... sorry about that," she said, blushing. "This job has
some perks," she thought to herself.
Adam
looked at his furry underwear lying on the counter for him
to change into. "Why go through the hassle of changing when
I can make them magically appear on me?" he thought, like
a moron.
Suddenly
he whipped it out ... his sword, you know what I'm talking
about. Saying the ancient incantation, his undies appeared
onto him, filling the muscle-bound blondie with glee and causing
him to giggle like a little girl.
"Okay,
all's clear. Turn around." She did, and told him of his new
exciting adventure.
"He-Man
-- you must save the entire universe from that villain
Skeletor by defending Grayskull!"
"Dammit!
Again? Why does that bastard always do that?" he
thought to himself. "I think I'll have Cringer tear him a
new--"
"Hey!
You're not listening to me again! I saaaid you've got
to save the entire universe! Doesn't that make you giddy with
excitement?!"
"Yeah,
yeah, whatever. I've been doing your crap for free since I
started this gig ... I want payment this time. This ain't
the same old He-Man," he said, depressed at the thought of
another "adventure." He'd even thought of trying to stab himself
with his Power Sword. "$5, at least...I've been wanting this
figure of Teela. They don't call 'em action figures
for the hell of it! The guy's charging me $6 shipping, but
he says she's cheap, loose, and bare, so I guess it's worth
it."
"Yeah,
whatever you do, I don't want to hear about it. I've got a
twenty. Can you make change?"
"Sure...
hold on," he said, as he reached into his underwear... to
get his cash, of course. "I've got a ten and two ones."
"Well,
that won't work...how about I just give you the twenty and
you give all of yours, and that will mean you'll owe me...what?...I'm
horrible at math...even if it is simple."
"Don't
ask me. I don't have a brain behind these bulging biceps."
"No...you
don't need one. You make up for it in other places...Tiger,"
she said, her chest heaving in anticipation.
"Wait...
um... that'd be $8 that you give me... I could pay you back
the rest... except that I need 50¢ for the money order..."
"Keep
the extra three ... as a favor," she said. Then she threw
herself at him.
"What
are you doing, Sorceress? I'm a virgin! I'll always be that
way, with God as my witness!"
"Oh,
not me. I'm proud of it. I've had over 300 guys."
"No...that's
impossible!" He-Man stood back, amazed that she was so candid
with her sex life, and wondering why anyone would care, anyway.
Realizing it was futile to continue her wanton seducing, the
Sorceress backed off.
"Wait...
didn't we have something to do?"
"Oh...
yeah, Skeletor. He's charging into Grayskull and will absorb
the power of the universe or something."
"Well,
if you're more powerful than him, why don't you just stop
him yourself?"
"I'm
too lazy, and it's more fun to watch you do your thing." He-Man
was beginning to get uncomfortable.
"Um...okay.
I guess I'll go, then." As he walked out of the bathroom,
she smacked his ass with a towel.
Later,
at Grayskull...
"Skeletor,
you boney man! You bad boney man!" He-Man said, attempting
to insult Skeletor. Skeletor just laughed kicked him in the
head.
"Ow!
That hurt! This means I'll have to use the power of the almighty
Grayskull to hurt you... really bad!"
"He-Man,
you fool!" Skeletor said. There really wasn't a reason for
saying it, he just always said it and felt like saying it
again. Using his Havoc staff, one of the most powerful magic
objects ever, he beat He-Man on the head.
"Ow!
Quit doing that! You're hurting me!" he whined.
"Then
tell those idiots over there chanting, 'HE-MAN! HE-MAN! HE-MAN!'
to shut the hell up. They're annoying me."
"They're
my chorus! Their job is to continually sing that when I'm
in battle or when I change from Prince Adam to He-Man...oops,
now you know my super-secret identity!"
"Oh,
shut up. I've known it all the time...you could at least have
a pair of glasses or something, but nooo, you just
change your stupid clothes! What do you take me for, an idiot?"
"Nobody
else can tell," He-Man said. Then he started crying.
"Oh,
this is stupid. You're stupid. This whole frickin' planet
is stupid. Here's the other half of the Power Sword. Go to
town."
"Fine.
Go. I don't need you to be a hero! I don't need you
at all! I don't care if you ever come back! You...you... uh...
um.... oh, nevermind."
Then
Skeletor left, and He-Man killed Battle Cat and himself with
the Power Sword. The Sorceress killed herself as a result
of He-Man's defeat, and that bloodthirsty bastard Man-At-Arms
conquered Eternia.
